Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Eight Entry: Kisses

Sunday, and here you have the entry youwere waiting for. I hope you like it (: Team #Kouis!

Dedication to Just_a_weird_girl because yes, I can manage to have cliffhangers here too ;)

Bel, xx

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Eight Entry: Kisses

Holy Shit!

No, there’s no other way to start this… I mean… holy shit! It’s been eventful lately here. First, do you remember that noise the other day? Well, that was Louis, burning down cups of Starbucks. Yeah, I think he went mad and he should see a therapist, but at the same time, I understand why he reacted that way. He is so hurt and after seeing Eleanor, it was good that he destroyed cups instead of attacking her and her new boyfriend. This was dangerous, and stupid, but he didn’t hurt anyone, and that’s something.

He is so… so… scarred. I realised that he is not as hurt for Eleanor dumping him, but the fact that she left him for someone else, someone better suited for her. He is afraid of not being enough and I get that. I mean, who isn’t afraid of not being enough for that person you care about? I’m starting to get scared of not being enough for him. Maybe I can’t help him, maybe he will never like me back how I like him now because, holy shit, I do like him, too much. But his fear is getting irrational, so I can only assume there’s something else and if I could only know what that is, maybe I could hep him.

But one of the things he told me that really hurt this time was that I don’t care. How can he say that? I do care, I bloody care for fuck’s sake! I’m doing all this for him. At the beginning it was a challenge, I thought it was going to be fun to make him stop hating on all women. But now it’s personal, now all I want is him to get better. How can he say I don’t care when I’m doing all this for him? When I can’t give up because I’m falling for him… And he heard me talking to Grimmy, but that was before, when I couldn’t even accept I was starting to have other feelings for Louis

Argh, why did he have to hear just that conversation?

I can’t stand the thought of him believing I don’t care. That’s why I went after him, trying to make him see the truth. But things got a bit… carried away. We started arguing, and well, I shared a bit of information that I never planned on doing so. My love life has been a mess. I’ve been with a lot of people and some of them have hurt me badly. They have cheated on me, they have used me, they have laughed at me. But I never let them stop me. I moved on, I kept believe in love. I still believe in love, I just know it’s better if you don’t take things so seriously, because chances are that the other person won’t like you as much as you like that person, so if you care so much, they will only hurt you. But if you don’t care, when they leave, you can move on more easily.  But if you don’t care and they do… you can let yourself fall and care as much as they do. See? Self preservation.

And I shared that part of my life with him, I told him that Eleanor dumping him was something so little in comparison with what some of us have to go through. I know that other people have it even worse, but he makes his breakup look like the worst kind ever, when it’s not.

I got so angry at him, for victimising himself. I hate martyrs, I hate how he wants everyone to pity him for what he has gone through but when someone says ‘I’m sorry’, he snaps.  So yeah, I yelled at him, I punched him because he just drives me crazy! Sometimes I want to hug him, other I just want to wrap my hand around his neck. I feel like I hate him one second, but then I look into his eyes, and everything melts inside of me and I just want to kiss him.

And well… I did that. And why is it holy shit? Because he kissed me back.

Oh. My. God. I don’t think someone has kissed me like that before, I don’t think I ever felt like that in my life. There are no words to explain what it was to be in his arms, feeling his need to have me closer, his hunger and desperation. I felt in him what I was feeling myself.

But I had to leave him because I couldn’t lose myself in that moment, and I was about to forget everything and just go with it. But I can’t do that just yet. I need to figure out some things. I know I want him, there’s no denial there. I know I like him, even if he’s a stupid stubborn boy. I know I’m falling for him but I need to know something else first…

Did I actually already fall for him? I care about him, more than what I’ve cared for anyone else. I know it’s dangerous because he only seems to hate me, but then he kissed me like that, he held me in that way that made me feel his. Maybe he is not as indifferent as he wants to make me believe. I know I’m taking a huge risk here, that if I carry on with this plan and then he walks away… that will hurt me so badly and I’m not sure if I can actually do that.

Okay… that’s not the real question, I think I know I fell for him. I can’t lie to myself. The real question here is: when he wants to walk away, will I let him or will I try to stop him?

I think… I think I won’t be able to let him walk away without a fight, without actually trying to make him fall in love with me. I don’t think it’s a challenge anymore, I think it’s for real this time. Because I fell for him, because I want him and because I want to help him. But moreover, because I want to be with him.

Okay… I’ve made my mind. I think I can go back to him and keep trying. I’ll make him fall in love with me for real this time. The game is over.

Kay x