Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Seventh Entry: Drunken Louis

Well, another Sunday and here's a new entry. This belongs to chapter 13-14 of Bitter & Sassy. I hope you like it.

Dedication to Sophie, because she is awesome! I'm glad you're back.

Bel, xx

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Seventh Entry: Drunken Louis

World, I salute you!

Man, I love alcohol. You know what people say about only drunk people and kids say the truth? Well, I totally believe in that. Alcohol breaks through your inhibitions, it gets rid of all the filters and walls you build around yourself just to fit in society, to follow all the conventions and it leave your roughest version. And I really like that version of Louis.

When he is drunk, he is brutally honest, he doesn’t hold back anything and he is… happy. He smiles honestly, his eyes shine with amusement and he doesn’t fight me. My God, I’m still smiling because he hugged me! I wonder if the old Louis, the one the lads and the girls talk so much about, is something like this? Was the same spark in his eyes as when he is drunk? Was he that adorable? If Drunken Louis is a fifth of what he was before Eleanor dumped him, then I think I’m falling even faster. Just the way he looked at me, how he teased me, how he just hugged me… all those things made my heart race like never before.

When he hugged me in that way, so tightly against his chest, with my face buried in his t-shirt… I felt so small yet protected in his arms. I felt like everything was right, even if it was for a few seconds. And then his laughter… his laughter made everything perfect.

Yeah, I think I’m falling so hard for him it’s not even funny anymore, but I can’t help it!

Seeing him like this, even if it was because he was drunk, gave me hopes. The old Louis —or something very similar to his old self— came to the surface for a while, with his happiness and life, with his laughter and warmth. He is still there, so hidden under layer and layers of bitterness. But he is there, waiting to come out. And I believe, now more than ever, that I can reach him.

I care so much about him, and I’m not sure if I did well by telling him that. What if he pushes me away even more now that he knows this? That’s why it’s a relief that he doesn’t remember what I told him, but still, it worries me. Once he was sober, once he recovered a bit… he was back on his bitter tracks. Back to the indifference and for a second I wanted to hit him with a brick. Why can’t he be his happy self again? Why does he have to hide that part of himself? He says it’s dead, but that’s not true. That part is much alive, he just locks it in under so many layers that it’s seems impossible to reach. But I won’t give up. I saw him once and I’ll bring him back.

I know he is hurt, I mean I get it, his girlfriend of over a year dumped him for another guy, but he’s been like this for months and he doesn’t seem to improve. Since I met him, back in February, he is still the bitter and hurtful guy who can’t stand any women. Unless he is drunk.

Why can’t he let go of what happened and move on? What does it keep him still holding on to this? A normal person would’ve moved on, already. I know all the lads and girls let him be at the beginning, but once they saw he wasn’t improving it was when they started to get really, really worried.

There has to be something else. I can’t believe it’s only because she left him, there must be something else we don’t know. Something that happened before that made all this worse than what it actually is. I know, everyone reacts differently and this is his way to deal with the pain… but I refuse to believe it’s only that.

Now, how can I know about that? How can I find out the truth behind all this act? I guess I can give him alcohol until he gets drunk and wants to spill his guts at me. But then, I don’t think he’ll accept alcohol from me, not after he realises he loses his barriers with me once he gets a bit tipsy. Probably he won’t drink ever again after what happened.

Ugh, things don’t look nice for me now. Still, I’m more determined than ever to find out why he is still holding this grudge and to help him to bring his real self back. He is my exception, my reason to fight for. The least I can do is my best just to help him. I won’t give up on him even if that’s the easiest thing to do. I always take the easy way out, I always give up because I never feel like fighting for anyone else but myself. Louis needs me and I will help him.

Wait… what’s the noise? What’s happening? Why is everyone screaming?

Oh shit. Gotta go.

Kay x