Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Sixteenth Entry: I Give Up!

Extra update because I need you to read this before the next chapter. My poor Kay, seriously, I love her so much and this entry broke my heart.

Dedication to @Emilydance

Bel, xx

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Sixteenth Entry: I Give Up! 

Roger, hold me. Please, hold me.

All my life I’ve been okay with not having a best friend, someone whom I can spill my guts to without holding it back. I have friends, but not a best friend. I have never had one. I see everyone having best friends, but I don’t. For instance, Alex. She has Phebs and Belle and their bonding is amazing. Moni and Mila! Those two are soul sisters, I swear. Or Hannah and Savannah, those are really close, too. But I don’t have a best girl friend, nor even a best boy friend. And right now I could totally use one, because I feel like everything is falling apart and I don’t know how to hold it anymore. Alex tries to help me, but I can’t be that open with her and I can barely talk. It sucks because you’re all what I have and you can’t even reply. You’re not even alive! Roger, why aren’t your real? I really need a hug right now.

You know what it’s like to love someone so much that you don’t mind how much they hurt you, you still hope they can get better? Or to love someone so much you can forgive them anything? Gosh, I never though I could love Louis so much, but I just think about it and I don’t know what to do. I’ve coped with all the shit he throws at me for so long, since we met. He insulted me constantly, he rejected me over and over again, he humiliated me mercilessly in front of everyone, just to prove his point. And I let that pass because I love him and because I always hoped he was going to get better. But I should’ve never allowed that. I should’ve known he was hopeless. I should’ve left him alone from the beginning. All I did was hurting myself.

Can you believe that the jackarse actually blamed all women, again, just because Tammy made a mistake? That magazine probably twisted everything and it was long ago. Magazines work like that, they do the photoshoot sessions and interviews with months of anticipation, so I wouldn’t be a surprise if this magazine is from when they met. Still, Louis blew up almost as if Tammy had hurt him personally and he blamed everyone. He said all women are the same. AGAIN?! Can you fucking believe that?

Ugh, that motherfucker!

After all this time, after all the hard work, after all the improvement…he throws all that to the rubbish in one second. One!

I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.

No matter how much I love him, no matter how much this hurts me, I can’t do it anymore. I reached my limit long ago and I can’t keep up with this any second longer. He doesn’t wanna get better and I can’t force him. It has to be his will to change, to improve.

I give up.

I won’t even look at him. I can’t do it. It hurts and it’s so disappointing it chokes me. I feel like bursting out crying and slapping him at the same time.

I can’t do it anymore.

I know I don’t care about others’ opinions and I can dismiss insults as I dismiss flies, but I care about Louis. I fucking love him! His words now have a weight on me; his words hurt me. They cut so deep in my flesh. I can’t ignore when he insults me anymore, when he denies the things that have happened between us, when he ignores me.

I can’t do this anymore

He has hurt me so badly and for so long and I can’t take this pain anymore. I need to breathe again and I deserve to be happy. I can’t wait for him forever and just accept all his crap. I deserve to be as happy as I can, don’t I? I know I haven’t been an angel, but I haven’t been a bad person either. This can’t be what I deserve.

I guess this is the end. This is my cue to leave. He finally got what he wanted all this time: to get rid of me. He maybe felt attracted to me in one point, but he hated me. He hated me all the time and he always wanted to get rid of me. And he did it. And I won’t tolerate this treatment anymore.

I tried. I really did try and I thought I could help him. I actually believed I was the only one who could fix him, but I was wrong. No one can help him, he is hopeless and I give up now. I realise I’ve been the biggest idiot here. And I fell in love with him, I fought for him and I still lost. Out of everyone here, I’m the one who lost all. My time and my heart.

I just wanna leave, to go home where no one can see me. But I have work to do and I hate that I still have to do his part of the documentary. Why couldn’t I make his part first? Oh right, because I hoped that by this time he was going to be better and his part would be great. But he is the same idiot I met and now everything is worse.

I just wanna finish this, leave and never see him again. I can’t let him hurt me anymore. I respect myself enough to put an end to this.

We never got to be together, but I guess that’s better. If this had happened while we were together I would’ve been able to take it. It would have killed me in a way. It’s already horribly painful… I can’t even imagine how it would’ve been if we had been together.

It’s over, Roger. I can’t stand being near Louis anymore without feeling like bursting into tears. I can’t do this anymore and I give up on Louis and this love. I just wanna go home and cry myself to sleep like the little pitiful disgusting idiot I am for falling for the wrong, broken guy.

I hate him. I hate him, Roger. I hate him so much that it only means I love him with all my soul and that makes me hate him even more.

I can’t. Oh shit, I can’t. I’m sorry, Roger, I can’t. This hurts too much. I need to leave this place and go home ASAP. I need the familiarity of my flat. I need to forget about him. I have to forget about him.

Kay, x

PS: I’m sorry for all the tears… I’m a waterfall tonight and I can’t help it.