Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Thirteenth Entry: Paris, je t'aime

Okay, I decided to do early update for KD because you really enjoy it and always want more. Remember I update this story every SUNDAY. This entry belongs to chapter 25 and 26 of Bitter & Sassy.

Dedication to @Emilydance because it's true... the lads will never be the boys we met. We all change and they are not exception. I'mg lad you agree with Kay on that ;)

Bel, xx

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Thirteenth Entry: Paris, je t'aime!

ROGEEEEER!

Hi. How have you been, my dear? Isn’t a wonderful day? I just love Paris. I’m so bloody happy to be here again, it’s like coming back home after being months on another place. I know I’m English and I love my country, I love London, but well… it’s Paris. I know it smells and it has many other drawbacks, but I just love it. I can look over all those things and just enjoy my city. I don’t know if I could live forever here, but I love to come back occasionally. I really enjoyed my time here studying, I met great people and made some memories that will stay with me forever.

I really wish I could’ve taken Louis with me, to share this part of myself with him. My love for this city. I wish he could’ve seen through my eyes even for a day. I asked for a day off just to visit all those places that are so important to me, but Louis was busy so I came alone. I don’t mind, though. I am happy on my own, but it would have been special going there with him.

I took so many pictures and visited all those places I’ve always loved. Everything is the same yet at the same time everything is different. The city moved on, the people changed as so did I, but the essence is there. I still felt the same when I looked at the horizon from the Eiffel Tower. I still felt the same when I saw all those couples walking down the streets. I still felt the same visiting that old café I love so much. I still felt the same trying all those clothes at the fair. It was lovely.

It was here in Paris when I came to the realisation that movies is what I really wanna do with my life. I mean, I knew before I liked to do this, but it wasn’t until I came here that I realised I really wanna do this for the rest of my life. I saw myself spending my whole life just making movies. It was because I was at one park one day, taking pictures of everything when I saw an old couple. Normally I don’t pay attention to them because it makes me sad to see old people… I guess because I see them struggling to go on and I don’t really know how to help them. What can I do against age?

Anyways, I saw them walking slowly, her arm looped around his as they walked down the path. It was a beautiful day and although many people were running next to them, they never rushed. They kept their pace. I started to take pictures, loads of pictures, one after the other. I still remember that. I was just captivated by the way their movements seemed so painful and difficult, yet the smiles where always present. I felt the world didn’t pay them attention, but they were watching everything and everyone. The smiled at the runners passing by, at the birds singing in the sky, at the sun shining above, at the ground keeping them there. They looked so happy although life was escaping them already and as I watched them, I imagined their life together; so full of happiness and love, so full of sweet memories, and all that was in their smiles.

When I got to my small flat that day, I put all the pictures together in a little video and smiled at myself when I saw the result. In the video I could see exactly what I saw when I was in the park, watching the couple. That was the moment I realised all I wanted was to transmit that. Real life, real images to everyone so no one could forget.

Sometimes I watch that video again and I see their smiles, their happiness and their lives in a one-and-thirty-seven-minute video.

Isn’t that like magic?

And maybe that’s why I wanted so much to go with Louis, because I wanted to tell him this story. I wanted to share that with him because I went to the same park, I sat on the same bench and everything was almost the same, but the old couple wasn’t there. Although I saw two kids playing, like in this adorable pictures where you see two kids being a couple and you die of feelings. Something like that. It was like watching the beginning of the story I watched before. And I wish Louis had been there to see it with me.

But he doesn’t care about those things. I know there’s something between us, but I actually don’t feel he wants to know me like I want to know him. I feel like he looks at me but he doesn’t really see me. It’s like I’m just a girl for him. I know he also wants me, I see it in his eyes. I mean, when I told him about the striptease he practically looked at me with fire in his eyes, but… is there something else besides this physical desire? Besides this lust?

I can’t believe I’m really thinking of these things, Roger. I never wanted a guy to really feel like that for me until now. I guess now you can really see how much I’ve fallen for Louis.

I know I can make him give in again. I can make him accept he wants me as much as I want him, but that’s not enough. I really want him to love me back. I want him to go with me to see the city and ask me what I’m thinking or how it was to live in Paris for two years.

I really, really want him to fall in love with me, too.

Oh Roger, why did I fall for this stubborn arse? Seriously. If I had to fall in love, it could have been anyone else! Someone who would beg me to stay, someone who would try to change me. I guess you can say I’m the player of the cliché love story. I’m the one who has been with so many people she can’t keep a track of them. I’m the one who doesn’t believe in serious relationships. I’m the one who doesn’t want to settle down. I’m the one who you can’t really have, whose heart is beyond reach. Yet here I am, offering myself to Louis and he doesn’t want me back.

If this were a cliché love story, he would fall for me and he would try to make me fall in love for real, he would try to make me change and want to stay. He would wake up next to me and hug me tightly, whispering in my ear to stay. But I would be like that sailor who always leaves, no matter what.

This is not your cliché love story, because now the player has fallen in love, has changed without the other even trying, with the other just pushing her away. Now the player is begging… but the other one, the one who does believe in serious relationships, the one with the broken heart, doesn’t even want to give me a chance.

Damn… I was so happy now I’m depressed. And I feel like watching this cheesy movie just to drown in my pity party. I’m sure Louis won’t come tonight, nor even if he wants. He is just too damn stubborn to give in just yet.

I think I’ll watch Titanic. And I’ll yell at Rose for not moving aside and letting Jack climbing onto the bloody piece of wood! Ugh.

Later, Roger.

Kay, x