Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Ninth Entry: Bisexual

Okay, this is the last update of the week, it belongs to chapter 17 and 18 of Bitter & Sassy and I hope it clarifies some things about Kay and her sexuality. I won't update next Sunday because I've cancelled all updates during next week due to my finals. In fact, I wrote this in a hurry because I have to finish a paper due tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Dedication to the best comment of the previous chapter: @Tonioverthetop

Bel, xx

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Ninth Entry: Bisexual

… (I can’t think of something now. I’ll change this later)

So… I ran into Rachel and I seriously wasn’t expecting that. I haven’t seen her in a long time, but I must admit it is nice to see her again. We had a beautiful relationship, short but really nice. Probably the best one I’ve ever had and it ended nicely, too. I have nothing to complain about it. I’ve talked to her and she is doing great. She found a new girlfriend and she’s told me she is great, her name is Mary and they met a few months after I left to Paris. I’m really happy for Rachel because she is happy, I know that. 

Oh right, Rachel is my ex-girlfriend. I probably forgot to mention that before. I clearly forgot to mention that to Louis… and everyone else. Not that it really matters, they know me already, I’ve been open about the person I am. I just haven’t shared all the things I like. I don’t see how being bisexual can change a person or define that person. It’s just a part of me, not my whole identity. Believing that is too narrow-minded for me. Plus, I learnt long time ago that people don’t appreciate if you’re open regarding your sexual preferences, they judge you without a second thought. They believe because you’re bisexual, you’re a slut. I mean, when my classmates found out about my sexuality, they decided to humiliate me in front of everyone. I ended up on the school website, a picture of me kissing with a guy and then another with a girl, saying “Who can’t stop this whore? No one is safe.” So yeah, I learnt to be more discrete with my preferences, because at the end, that’s all, a preference, isn’t it?

Being bisexual doesn’t mean I’m undecided, or that I’m a whore and I can’t have enough with one sex, I need both. People tend to say, “you’re either gay or lesbian. You can’t be both”. Well, I’m not both, I just find sexually attractive girls and boys. That doesn’t meant I like them at the same time or that I can’t fall in love with one of them. I fall in love, I care, I suffer the same way than any other person, I just can fall for either a girl or a boy. Gender doesn’t really matter to me.

I wanted to tell Louis about it, I’ve wanted to share many things with him because I want him to know me. My sexuality doesn’t define me, but it’s part of who I am, as my sassiness or my moral convictions are part of me, as well. I’m not just one thing, I’m a mix of many, among them you find my sexuality. And no matter how much I want to share who I am with Louis, he doesn’t want to know me. So I’m glad I ran into Rachel, because now he can know and I can see his reaction.

A part of me is afraid he will have an issue with this. I know Louis and Harry have a very sensitive spot about the topic, considering how obsessed some of their fans are with the idea of them being a couple. Alex has told me how they used to tease each other before, very likely how Moni and Mila are, pretending to be a couple when it’s only a game because they are really, really close and they don’t care about what people may think. I get that, but some people don’t. They think because you act in a homosexual way, that means you are strictly homosexual, when it is not always like that. You don’t have to be a girly guy to be gay, some of the manlier guys are gays. Let’s cry for Vin Diesel, please.

Same with girls, you don’t have to be a tomboy to be a lesbian. Those are generalisations that people assume are universal truths. But they are not. You can play a part, you can pretend to act in a way just to have fun. I mean, I act I’m in love with my new camera, but that doesn’t mean I’m actually in love with it and that I have a weird fetish. I just like to exaggerate and have fun. But people see you doing something and they assume they know everything about you, and therefore they can judge you.

So I get Louis and Harry have this issue now and maybe Louis won’t like to be near me because people will start accusing him to be gay when it has nothing to do, but somehow they will find a relation there. So it worries me, I don’t want him to reject me only for my sexuality, when there’s so much more about me than that.

Nevertheless, I’m really curious about his reaction, because regarding this I can know a lot about him. According to the way he reacts to the news I can know how tolerant he is. I don’t like narrow-minded people, I like people that can accept diversity, people who accept we’re all different and unique beings. It would be really disappointing if Louis is just another obnoxious guy who thinks he knows everything and can judge you because you’re not “normal”. I would really hate if he does that. Because, what’s normal at the end of the day? No one can give you a definition. Any kind of homosexuality is not unnatural, it exists in many other species. I’ve even read some papers about homosexuality in penguins.

I’m bisexual, but that doesn’t mean I’m weird or abnormal, that doesn’t mean I’m a slut who can’t decide or accept she is lesbian. I can like a boy, or I can like a girl. The only thing that being bisexual means is that I have other sexual preferences. I’m still Kay, I still have the same ideas of life, I still act the same way. I’m not a bad person for also finding girls sexually attractive.

I really don’t want to be disappointed in Louis… I really hope he will accept me and this won’t become a problem between us, because I fell for him already and it would be really painful if he can’t accept me for this, when it shouldn’t be an issue between us. Or between anyone.

Anyways… let’s see how this goes.

Kay, x

PS: Oh shit, I forgot to think of a way to start this entry. Well, who cares?