Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Third Entry: Off Guard

Well, it's weekend and it's time for Kay to report her proggress. I'm happy that you like these entries and you want to see what is happening from Kay's POV. You make me very happy.

Dedication to my dear friend Omer, it's her birthday on Monday. Happy early birthday!

Bel, xx

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Third Entry: Off Guard

What’s up, bitches?

Nah… that doesn’t work either. Man, I’m having a hard time over here. Why can’t I come up with a great opening line? Why do I have to suck at this? I’m gonna get depressed if I don’t find a good one soon. Anyways, I just want to report my progress in the Louis Project.

Current status of the study object: still stuck in the hatred towards the female population.

Seriously, that boy really wants to be this bitter and angry all the time, but that can’t be healthy. Since I met him I’ve never seen him smile truthfully, he is always holding something back. No matter what I do, he pushed me away. And I don’t mean metaphorically, he literally pushes me and doesn’t control his strength.

The other day I tried to get closer, test his limits you know. I wanted to know for how long he could resist without stepping back. In a way, I was playing chicken with him, but this time he didn’t step back, he pushed me, rather forcefully. It hurt, not too bad, but it did. It was as if I was the most infectious thing he could have ever imagined.

When I looked him in the eyes I saw regret, confusion and shame in his blue eyes. He didn’t like what he did, but he couldn’t help it. I swear I can see him asking me to help him, but then he pushes me away and yells at me that he doesn’t need my help. I don’t know if I’m seeing something wrong or maybe I’m talking to that part that he keeps hidden deep inside. Maybe I can see in his eyes the old Louis trying to emerge to the surface but the Louis that is currently now interacting with all of us doesn’t want him back, he doesn’t want to be okay.

How can that be possible? Why would he want to stay like this? He is only hurting himself and everyone else around.

I’ve stayed until very late, trying to figure out why I care so much, why can’t I just give up. I try think of another way to help him. Should I keep insisting? Should I leave him alone and just do my work? But when I think of leaving him like this I can’t be at ease with myself. I honestly believe I’m the only one who can help him right now and it’s my duty to fix him, but I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t really know him, not the real Louis, I just know this part of him, yet I know there’s more.

How can I get to the real Louis? How can I fix him when he makes this so difficult?

Alex talked to me the other day. She asked me not to give up on Louis. She also believes I can help him. She tells me about the old Louis, the silly and joyful one, the one who liked to make everyone happy. The one that when his band mates were stressed, or even sad for something that happen, would say something stupid just to make them smile again. And as she tells me more and more stories, I really want to know that person that I can see in his eyes is trying to reach me.

What did I get myself into?

It hasn’t been an easy week. We also went to a charity. I got amazing and very touching material for the documentary, but I also got my heart broken. I had my dose of bullying when I was in school, I didn’t have it easy, but I learnt to ignore them and be happy with myself. I always had my family to support me and I guess things would’ve never been the same without them. So when I saw those kids that had awful families, parents that didn’t give a shit for them… I just cried. No one should go through that. Family is supposed to be always by your side, to accept you and love you no matter what. They shouldn’t hurt you, they shouldn’t treat you like that. Yet these kids have been practically abandoned by their families and I can’t even begin to imagine how broken they are.

I don’t like when people see my weak side. I always show my happy side, my worries and sorrows are for myself alone. Nevertheless, Louis saw me crying. He caught me even when I tried to hide and I swear that for a second there I almost got a hold on the old Louis. He looked at me differently, but still, it wasn’t enough. I’m not sure if what he saw changed something in him, but he doesn’t look at me the same way since that moment outside the charity.

And I’ve taken advantage of that. I’ve learnt to move faster, to catch him off guard. That’s how I got to kiss him and do you wanna know something? I liked it. I liked it very much. Although it was only a peck, a few seconds, I liked it. And since then I haven’t stopped thinking what it would feel like to really kiss him.

I guess I’ll have to kiss him for real soon. Merely scientific purpose, nothing else…

Kay x