Kay's Diaries (Louis Tomlinson)

Tenth Entry: Our Night Together

Yes, I know I said I wouldn't update but some examns were postponed, which gave me a little time to update. Plus, I couldn't let you hanging like that. Enjoy this entry, it's really honest.

Dedication to @Writereadandlove

Bel, xx

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Tenth Entry: Our Night Together

(giggling sounds)

Sorry, I just can’t stop. Seriously, how many things can happen in one night? How many things can change? First, I was really scared Louis would react badly regarding this new knowledge about my sexuality, and for a moment I thought he really was against or something, but he is not and that sole thing has me smiling like an idiot. I really didn’t want to be disappointed in him and it’s great that he accepted it so easily. And you know what’s even better? He was mad because I didn’t tell him before, meaning he wants to know more about me. If he were as indifferent as he says, he wouldn’t mind. But he does, and I love that.

By the way, I made separated entries because I love drama and if I ever read this again, I want to feel that tension once again. Or maybe someone else can read this… someone as in Louis Tomlinson. (Hi babe, if you’re reading this!)

So going back to the topic, I’m really glad he accepted me as I am but you know what makes me even happier? Drunken Louis. Mate, I love when all his walls are down and when he is so honest and adorable and sweet and sexy. God damn it! He can be passionate.

You know, for me sex is just that, sex. It lost meaning long time ago when I realised people don’t really care about the meaning of sex. They just want to have fun, enjoy, live the moment and go. But when you care and they leave you alone, with your broken heart because you were stupid enough to think it would mean something to them, as well, you realise that caring about sex is pointless. Sex is just that, an act. Just a few hopeless romantics still think that everyone sees sex as something more, as making love. That thing doesn’t exist anymore… only a few lucky ones can say they have more than sex with that other person.

The moment I realised about this, I was freer because I didn’t expect anything. They left and I knew they would, they couldn’t break my heart because it was as meaningless for me as it was for them. And yeah, you can call me a slut, I don’t care. Many people have said it already, it’s kind of true, after all. I’ve had sex with many people, but I’m always safe. Always. No exceptions. At the beginning, when I was a teen, I had this fantasy that it was going to be magical, that my first time was going to be with someone who would love me and treat me right, someone who would make it memorable. Well, it was memorable, because it was the worst night of my life.

You think sex is great? It hurts. If you are a woman, it hurts. It’s not as glamorous as you think. The other person is so aroused, he or she doesn’t really think of you. They only think of their pleasure. It’s awkward because it’s your first time, you don’t really know what to do or if you’re doing things right. It is kind of humiliating.

Don’t have expectations because the most likely option is that you’ll be disappointed. That’s the truth. I won’t put it nicely for you, many people do that already. If you think it’s going to be like in all those books you read, you’re wrong. I’ll be honest: the first time is not great unless you’re a damn lucky bastard, which most likely you won’t be. You’ll feel awkward, you’ll feel exposed even if you love that person. I did… or I thought I was in love with him but it turned out he wasn’t that into me, he just wanted sex and I wasn’t an expert, you know? I was only fifteen —I was so young— and he wanted more… and he found that with someone else.

You see? It’s not as great as you think. But hey! Don’t worry, it gets better. And even better when you stop caring because you take the possibility of getting emotionally hurt away. You can only enjoy if you don’t care anymore. So I don’t regret of my slut-y behaviour because the moment I stopped caring was the moment people stopped hurting me. If they left, I wouldn’t mind because I was expecting that. If they stayed… that was a lovely surprise.

So yeah, sex is just sex in my book. But then you have Louis Tomlinson, being my only exception again. Because yes, we slept together and it felt like something more than sex. I don’t remember ever feeling like that with someone and it kind of scares me. I really didn’t want him to leave, I wanted him to stay with me, in our little bubble. It wasn’t the best sex ever, although I know he wasn’t drunk anymore by the time we got to my flat, but still, it felt different, special, unique in a way I can’t really explain. Again, I’ve been with better guys, but I never felt like this. There was something different.

I know he will deny this over and over again, I was conscious of that when I brought him here, but I still took the chance. Even if he wants to forget what happened and to blame the alcohol, I now better, I know it meant something for him, too, and this will change things between us. I know he won’t come here claiming his undying love for me after our night together, but I know he’ll start to feel conflicted. Plus, I won’t let him ignore what happened between us.

I don’t think he feels the same way that I do, God knows I’ve fallen for him hard, but I do think he has some feelings for me… somewhere deep in his soul. My plan is to get to those feelings and having sex was one step to get there. And I won’t stop until he accepts there is something between us. He is stubborn, but I’m worse than him.

Okay, that’s it. I have to pack because Germany is waiting for me. I’ve missed Germany, I spent a good time there. I also want to call my mum. I miss her.

Kay, x