Finding Myself (phanfiction and kickthestickz) (completed)

chapitre six

"Ugh, Phil, no offense, but dinner?" I tell him as he just got off the phone with Chris telling us to go with them on a double date to a fancy restaurant.

"I don't want to go wither, but this is good practive for us to be more 'together.' he says to me. I groan.

"But, then I'll have to see them be all lovey dovey and shit together!" I say and he sighs.

"Don't make the mistake of thinking that I'm not feeling the same thing you are," he says quietly and I nod.

~

We arrive at the restaurant, dressed up and once we spot Chris and PJ, we join hands.

"Hi there sexuals," I say and pull out Phil's chair for him as he taught me to do. I can't help but stare longingly at PJ in a suit. He's jut too perfect.

"Hi!" Chris and PH say at the same time, smiling. The waiter soon brings out menus and we order. More compliments are exchanged by Phil and I, and soon they just roll of my tongue with no hesitation. I think I'm getting used to this.

"God, Chris, is that burger big enough?" I say as an enormous burger is placed in front of him.

"Hey, I can't help it. When they serve American food, I canNOT pass it up!" I glance at PJ who was staring at Chris. It's just, the way he looks at him. Filled with so much love. A smile across his face. He truly loves Chris. And not me. Never me. Never.

"I have to piss," I say and begin to stand up when Phil's hand catches my arm.

"Daniel James Howell!" Phil says as a mother would. "Language!"

"Fine, I'm going to use the lavatory!" I say in the most posh sounding voice I could manage. he smiles.

"Better," should I risk it? Could I risk it? Do I want to risk it? Eh what the hell. I kiss his cheek before standing up and going to the bathroom. When I get there, I make sure I'm alone and pull out a silver item from my pocket. I take it nearly wherever I go finding the need for it more, considering the circumstances. Do I even want this? I can't figure out why I want this or why I allow this. But I can't find out now. I've cut my wrist ever since they got together. Phil's been too preoccupied to check my arms every day.

Five new cuts are on my arm and I run them under cold water to try and stop the bleeding, and pull my sleeve back down to walk back to our table.

"Hey sugar blossom!" Phil says and I laugh.

"You're an idiot," I say laughing. "But you're my idiot," wow that actually sounded believable.

"Hey, do you guys want to chill out at our place tonight?" Chris asks us and I nod.

"Sure, why not?" I say and PJ smiles, locking eyes with me for a moment while I fangirl in my head.

"We should play truth or dare again!" he says. "Except this time it will be more interesting,"

~

When we got back to PJ and Chris's after stopping home and changing, we sat in a circle in the living room again to play truth or dare.

"I want to go first!" PJ says like a child and I giggle as he waves his hand in the air. "Dan, truth or dare?"

"Truth,"

"You always choose truth!" Chris says.

"Yeah, and even when you do, you don't always tell the truth," PJ says in a fake annoyed voice. I gulp. He knows I like him.

"Well, we swore to each other to keep it a secret!" Phil says and I mentally slap myself. I forgot I was supposed to be with Phil.

"Fine, fine, dare," I say and PJ looks thoughtfully at Phil and me.

"I dare you to," he pauses, "Make out with Phil for a straight minute, in front of us." I blush. I don't want to do this. I'm not ready for this. We promised not to kiss each other for it would be so awkward for the both of us. I look over at Phil who had the same flushed face as me.

"But, but," Phil starts.

"Why not?" Chris asks. Phil and I make eye contact with apologetic looks in both of our eyes.

"Okay, I will then," I try to say not nervously. I scoot closer to Phil and take his face in my hands. I close my eyes and connect out lips, and I'm instantly surprised. His lips are soft and he's not that bad. I guess if I pretend this is PJ I can get through it not as awkwardly so I pictured PJ's face in my hands instead of Phil's and deepen the kiss as Chris and PJ were chanting for us to. Damn, he's a good kisser.

I feel him lick my bottom lip asking for an entrance. It's PJ not Phil. I try and keep reminding myself so I'm not weirded out. But I can't figure out myself. I mean, it's not that bad to think it's Phil. I let him in and take control of the kiss and try to not make it so sloppy. I feel his hands on my hips. PJ, not Phil. Do I care? I don't know.

Our tongues dance together when I hear PJ tell us that time is up. We break apart and Phil's pale face we a pink color and I'm guessing mine was the same because PJ and Chris were cracking up. Wow. I do NOT want to do that again. Or do I? No. Yes. No. Yes. AH! I can't make up my mind!

After the game, I've witnessed three kickthestickz kisses and had to kiss Phil four more times, almost getting used to it. I just pretend he's PJ and I'm all set, kind of.

"I'm so tired," I say and look at the cloc. "You guys, it's one in the fucking morning."

"We'll be in my room," Chris says and wraps his arm around PJ's waist. I give him an evil glare when Phil laughs.

"What!" I snap at him..

"Is that what I look like when PJ kisses Chris?" he whispers and sits next to me. I allow a small laugh.

"Probably," I say and he looks at the couch. "You do know that if they wake up before us and we're not in each other's arms, they're going to be very confused." he nods facing the truth. I lay down and open my legs as he lays between them, and I wrap my arms around his waist. It's PJ. It's PJ. But wait it's Phil. But I want PJ right? Right.

"Hey," I hear him say.

"Yeah?"

"You seemed really into that kiss earlier," he says laughing at me and my face must get the slightest bit red.

"So were you!" I snap back, "I just pretend you're PJ, that's how I've been acting so well lately."

"That's what I've been doing too!" he says and we laugh. "Well, of course I've been picturing you're Chris, not PJ." He pauses for a second with a thoughtful face. "Dan, can I see your arms?" I stop cold. He remembered. Oh god what do I do?

"W-why?" I stutter and I hear him sigh heavily.

"I know you've been cutting yourself, Danny, I found one of the razors in the wash." he says and a tear slips out of my eye. I didn't want him to know. "I just need to see how bad it is," I hold my arm out to him and he rolls up the sleeve to reveal nearly twenty five cuts in all.

He doesn't gasp or act extremely surprised. Shocking me, he leans down and kisses my arm. To be completely honest, I liked this kiss way more than the make out sessions. Considering he was thinking about me, not Chris, this time. He rolls the sleeve back down and replaces my arm around his waist before snuggling into me getting into a position to sleep. "You're my best friend, Dan, please don't do this," I hear him say quietly and I sigh.

"If I could stop, I would," I say but Phil's all ready asleep.

meow