Hanging on, Till Death do us part...

Chapter 1

Saturday nights used to be crazy, getting dressed took at least 2 hours. Hair, Makeup, Changing outfits 10 times before I found the exact look I was going for. Then changing another 3 times because the shoes I wanted to wear didn't match. Arriving at the club at 9, with my bestie on my side, and dancing up a storm until the early hours of the morning was on every weekend's agenda.

This Saturday night, I'm curled up on my couch, with the noise of the new Anne Hathaway movie playing in the background. It took me a whole 15 seconds to choose my outfit tonight; jogging shorts and a raggedy old white wife beater that has one to many paint stains on it. As I look down on each different sized paint splat, I can't help but to feel a sense of nostalgia. This was the same shirt I wore when we painted this once old and neglected house together. We were able to transform it from a complete wreck to something beautiful.

That's exactly the opposite of what happened to our marriage. It went from something amazing to a complete disaster. 4 months post-divorce and I still cannot grasp the idea that I am a divorced mother of two. How the hell did this happen! Shit I hate these bi-weeks. Every second weekend I sit here on this same brown, uncomfortable couch and try to distract myself with movies or books, but every second weekend, without goddamn fail, I end up thinking about my failed marriage.

You see this isn't a problem when the kids are around; they keep every single cell in my brain occupied, no time to think about his gorgeous smile, or how good it felt when he rubbed my back. No no, none of that; no time to obsess over how amazing he smelt when he got out the shower or about how mesmerising he looked in that crisp white shirt when it stuck on his still damp chest. No! My girls keep my mind happily distracted.

But, tonight they are at his new cluster house for the weekend. I offered to move out when things were finalised, but he said he did not want to disrupt me. He said he had already shaken my life up too much, and that this is the home he wanted our children to grow up in. So he packed up his garage, took a few items of furniture and 4 bags of clothes and other personal effects and moved into a stunning cluster. Something that looks like it belongs in a fairy tale forest. Completely built from brick, no plaster, with a lovely little fireplace; it has Ivy growing up on the side of one wall and the garden is just breath taking, I remember how Zoe completely freaked when she first saw it.

"Mommy, who stays here?" she asked me so innocently, but the excitement in her voice clear.

"This is Daddy's new house my baby, you are going to visit him this weekend remember?" I could feel the tears starting to threaten in my eyes. The only reason I knew this was his house was because of the sleek black Kawasaki that stood in the driveway. It looked really out of place outside the charming little house. That fucken bike; that was definitely in the top three argument topics of the year.

"Oh wow. It's very pretty! Are you also going to visit here mommy."

Shit here come the tears. Tuck it away Kate, tuck it away!

"I will come inside with you and your sister my love, but mommy will have to leave again. I have to go clean the messy house and I have to um, um, do some work and um," The truth was, I had no fucken idea what I was going to do. This would be the first time that I was left completely alone in the house. No husband, no children. Shit. I'm probably just going to go home and relax; and enjoy some alone time. And some wine. There will undoubtedly be wine. "and then I'm going to start on a surprise for you two!" Shit, now I have to think of a surprise. Ok well it seemed to have worked, the last thing I need now is my 6 year old throwing a tantrum about me not staying here.

"A SURPRISE! What surprise?"

Zoe's sudden outburst seemed to have woken up the little monkey that had fallen asleep in her car seat.

"Zoe, now look what you did!" Little sobs fill the car.

"Ok mommies baby, I'm going to take you out now. Look who's there. Say hello daddy."

As if he was sitting at the window waiting for us, Bryce came out on cue. Fuck, I should have put on something nicer, a dress maybe. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

"Hey you." I tried to sound really casual as I got out the car. It sounded stupid coming from my mouth.

It was yet another hot day. Too hot. The sun was beating off my car roof, so much so that I could almost feel the heat hit my face as I walked around the car. The trees in the estate were all an amazing shade of green and where gently swaying as a most welcome breeze tickled the fine hair that had fallen across my face. There was no one else in the street. Not a car in sight. It was as if the whole world had come to a standstill to watch this first 'after divorce' encounter between Bryce and myself.

Gravel crunching underneath his feat he walked towards the car that he had bought me a few years ago.

How come this man still looks so good? Aren't I supposed to hate him or something? What the hell heart, pull your shit together!

"Hi. You find the place ok?" Ah shit this feels awkward.

"Yip. It's really beautiful. Zoe says it's pretty too." I smile towards the 6 year old monster that is too busy trying to undue her seatbelt. "Let me just grab Maddy, she woke up as we pulled into the driveway."

I remember how the butterflies swarmed when his hand softly touched my hand as we reached for Maddys door. I also remember how quickly he had pulled his hand away.

How could I ever forget that?