Ass(ets)

E&J (4ever) for like 6 months

As James parts those gorgeous lips Ella knows what is coming. She knows what is about to be said.

She is half listening to his sincere words accompanied by his small apologetic smile.

The rest of her is thinking.

She thinks that she has never been dumped before. She has always been the one to wave goodbye first. She's not sure which is better.

She thinks that in this moment the only emotion she truly feels is sadness. This way of being, she thinks, surprises her. She doesn't think she's ever felt this emotionally attached to another person. She's never had this level of connection with her family or with her friends. She's only ever had it with her James. Well, she smiles wryly he's not her James anymore.

He's holding her hand but it's not a lovers hold. It's a friendly hold. He's becoming distant even now.

Ella feels like crying and screaming.

Instead Ella simply smiles and nods along.

She hums and says yes in the appropriate places.

She pretends to agree as he tells her they'll both be busy with exams soon (that's a lie it's only January and they start in May).

She pretends to understand as he says he's going away skiing with his family soon (it's only for a week and she'd been invited anyway...).

She pretends to know what he means when he says it's for the best (she really doesn't).

But most of all she pretends she is okay with the fact he is lying to her. James, her James, lies straight to her face. They have always been honest with each other up until this point. The illusion of the sweet sweet boy with the sweet sweet smile begins to ebb away.

But she is lying too. She wears a mask now and responds to what he wants to hear. A clean break. No fuss.

Except she can't help herself. She feels far too much for this boy to leave without knowing and by nature she has always been too curious. So she speaks her mind.

"James, I'm not stupid so please don't treat me as if I was. We both know you've been spouting bullshit for the last half hour, so tell me why?"

He pales and at least has the decency to look ashamed.

He looks her straight in the eye and says with perfect clarity "That's exactly it. You know me."

Ella looks at him slightly puzzled and not quite understanding.

He takes a deep breath and it all begins to stream out.

"I'm scared. Scared of this relationship between us. This isn't normal. We're 17 for fucks sake. This isn't healthy. We spend far too much time together as it is and sometimes I feel as if I almost need you. Not want but need. I can't think, but I know that I need a break from this. I met you and you're fun... and exciting... and I don't know why I expected everything to just fit together simply. Then there's the whole Noah thing and it's just complicated. There's the pressure of that and the feel that I, we even, almost have to prove something to him. That we made the right choice and that isn't fair, it's not supposed to be about him, it's us. This isn't simple. We seem to do everything together, and I want that but at the same time I don't. I love being around you, god I love you, but I feel like we're being defined as a unit. I'm trying to figure out who I am and I can't."

He sighs as the words leave him. As if a weight had been lifted off of him.

He murmurs once more "I can't."

Ella nods in understanding. She expresses her respect for his candidness. She tells him that she doesn't know what to do or feel without him anymore. She says that it's unhealthy. It's unhealthy to rely too much on a another person when you are hardly a person in your own right.

Lost for words she kisses him one last time. She feels a tear fall down their faces and she's not sure whether it's hers of his.

She walks away and wonders if she would have preferred not to know why. She knows that curiosity killed the cat after all.

As she walks back home she realises she was too young, still is too young, to experience that kind of intensity. She wonders if James will have been her first love, or have been the love of her life. She wonders if that kind of intensity only comes around once in a lifetime.

All she knows is that she's too young. So she reaches for her mother. To seek a comfort that will never quite be there and as her mother holds her in a soothing touch she cries deeply. She drowns in the feelings of loss. She knows tomorrow she will be okay, but today she cries.