Never Look Up (Frerard Dld sequel)

Chapter 15

"I know," he sighed sliding his hands into his coat pockets. "Just try to understand, I don't like to be open about myself. It's stressful talking with a therapist and even my mom. They assume all this crap and have so many questions that I can't give the answers to. My thoughts, emotions, fears," he looked down, shaking his head. "Those are all things I'd talk about with Ray. Ever since Gerard and I were little, I felt like I could tell him everything, and I did. Now, instead of him fixing my problems, he's creating them." His voice went quiet as he thought back.

"I get that you don't like being open, but you can't keep everything bottled up inside. You need someone. Like, I've got Gerard and Gerard has me."

"You don't understand! Ray was my Gerard. I don't want anyone else." He spoke loudly, which surprised me, causing me to shrink a little.

"So you're just gonna keep dismissing all the people you do have? Why do that to yourself? If anything, it's a foolish act of stubbornness." I didn't mean to sound so harsh, but maybe this will get to him more.

"I'm not doing anything to myself. Those people are never much of a help anyway."

"We both know that's not true," I debated immediately. "Do I really have to list all the support you have? Are you that blind? Mikey, Gerard would jump off a cliff just to make you happy."

"Not blind, just stubborn. Besides, why let someone new in when they are just going to disappoint me." He spoke with the most expressionless demeanor. I was becoming frustrated with him.

"Ray didn't 'disappoint' anyone! Okay? Fuck, Mikey, the way you're speaking is ridicules!-"

"I'm not talking about Ray!" He screamed over me. "I would never talk about him like that." He quavered. I struck a small nerve. I felt apologetic right away. I assumed he was including Ray in the people Mikey considers a disappointment. I should have known he had the opposite impression.

I was struck into silence, but thought it would be okay to continue the conversation considering Mikey hasn't stormed off. Though the situation looked bad, I see this as progress. Whether Mikey knows it or not, he's letting me in.

"Then who is a disappointment?" I asked apprehensively.
Mikey's face grew sullen, and I watched the movement of his jaw as he clenched it, grinding his teeth together.

"Most of my life I've grown up without three things, my father, my mother, and not much longer after, my brother. The fact that my dad walked out is nothing new to me. Gerard at least told me that much," I noticed the distinct movement of his throat as he swallowed some saliva, then continued, "He left when I was four, but It didn't bother me at first. It doesn't hurt until you start asking questions. You start to wonder what you did wrong. I didn't go through this process until I was at least eleven, but Gerard, Gerard was effected right away. It was the first domino to fall, starting a sequence of events that would make up Gerard's life, and when something effects Gerard that continues to those around him." Mikey sighed and leaned against the nearest wall before sliding down to the floor. I moved from my position near the front door to join him.

"I'm sure you know, Gerard began to go through a lot of shit at this time. Some of which he caused and some that were out of his control. Ray definitely helped, but overtime not even he could control his best friend. Ray kinda backed off and spent some time focusing on me, and how I was doing. My mom would work at the office constantly to provide for us so Ray would come around. Of course, he couldn't be there all the time so occasionally Gerard would step up and watch me; the two of them practically raised me. I'm sure that's saying a lot; I'm a mess," he let out this half hearted chuckle, but only found the irony humorous, not the joke itself.

I've only heard Gerard's side of this story. I know what specific troubles he withstood and how he felt. He never really explained his relationship with his dad to me. However, it's none of my business. "I know what Gerard went through, but he's never shared any details about his dad."

"It's a very temperamental subject. We've argued over it for as long as I can remember. I have the impression that our dad and Gerard were very close. I would sometimes find myself envious of the time they spent together. I know nothing about that man because Gerard refuses to tell me. I've been left in the dark, and that's unfair. It's not like I want to know the bastard, but at the same time I do."

"I understand that." I said then suddenly thought about my dad. I hate the man, but there's always that small part of me that wishes it would've all worked out. That I'd get to have that idealistic father figure. I know that will never happen now. I want nothing to do with him. My point is, the hope that humans naturally cling onto is stronger than some like to admit.

"Frank, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"Can I trust you?"

I thought for a moment. There are multiple ways to answer this question; depending on what he means by it. I want to answer this question correctly and more descriptively then what first comes to my head.

"Yes. I'm not going to go anywhere Mikey. I'm not leaving you like you feel everyone has. Though, I can sure you that's not true."

"I've lost everyone who had any substantial meaning to me. I gained most of them back, but not completely. You say I have all this support, but how can I expect them to hold me up when they can barely stand on two legs?!" Mikey made a frustrating hand motion before leaning his face on his hands. "And the worst part is, one of them didn't come back at all, then suddenly, all you can think about is that one person."

"You see your support as unstable, but you're wrong. We're like a table with loose legs. We're shaky but sturdy, as long as we have all the legs."

"One of the legs is missing." He muttered flatly.

"There's still three legs left."

"And someday another leg is going to go, then another; causing the table to fall over, leaving one leg alone!" He spoke disconsolately almost as if from experience.

"That leg won't be you because that's not gonna happen anytime soon."

"I'm not convinced."

"Something is holding you back."

"Yeah, my past."

"Fuck the past! It's so five minutes ago! It's time to fucking look up and move forward. Promise me you'll try."

Mikey stood up, and I did the same. He went to go toward the stairs but I grabbed his wrist halting him. He narrowed his eyes at me slightly. "I promise." He grumbled barely above a whisper knowing it's what I wanted to hear.

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-Kayla