Never Look Up (Frerard Dld sequel)

Chapter 6

Gerard pov

When I got home, Frank was curled up in some blankets on my bed. I could tell he was awake because I could see his fingers playing with the blanket.

"Hey." I said as I walked over and cuddled up against him.

"Hey." He mumbled and rubbed his face further into the blanket. "I-I feel like shit." He admitted.

"Why? What's wrong?" I questioned feeling concern fill my body and contort my facial expression. I searched desperately for his hand under the covers in an attempt to comfort him. Our fingers eventually locking around each other's and Frank released a sigh of perhaps relief?

He looked over at me, his tired eyes red and puffy. "I-" his voice cracked. A tear ran down his cheek, and I felt my heart get a little heavier. He pulled his hand away from mine to reach up and rub underneath his eyes.

"Baby? What is it?" I pressed feeling anxiety pang through me. I reached a hand up and rested it against his forehead. "Frank, you're so warm. Talk to me." I pleaded.

"I fell asleep and I had dreamt about Ray. It all just felt so...real." He explained in a whisper. His eye brows furrowed together as he thought back. "It was a memory of-" Frank stopped and went quiet.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"N-no. I just really want to go visit Ray soon." His tone was scared but determined. I don't mind; I want to see Ray to.

"Okay, we can go now if you'd like?" I offered softly. I couldn't resist the urge to pull him closer and press my lips against the side of his head.

Frank nodded and sat up slowly.

I'm trying to conceal the fact that I'm unhealthily worried about Frank deep down. It stresses me that Frank won't tell me what occurs in his night terrors. I want to know. I deserve to know what exactly happened that night before the paramedics arrived.

"You know it upsets me when you don't tell me things." I finally managed to confess. I felt like I was walking on eggshells right now trying to avoid upsetting him.

Frank was quiet for a moment then replied. "Gerard, I just don't like talking about it. You know that." I looked over at Frank with frustration, but that faded away when I met his doughy eyed expression. "I don't know what else to say!" Frank whined throwing his hands up into the air.

"No, I get it. I'm sorry." I suddenly felt guilty for getting him worked up when he was upset to begin with.

"Believe me, I want to tell you, I just can't. It was a horrible experience. If anything you don't want to know; I don't think you could handle it." Frank said the last part quietly.

I can sense he feels bad that he's not communicating with me like I want; I can see it in the way he looks at me.

"Let's just forget I said anything." I rushed out then pushed my hand into my pocket to retrieve my car keys.

I could sense Frank wanted to argue because he produced a small grunt like he was going to start talking.

Instead, Frank remained quiet and followed me out the door and into my car. I haven't driven for awhile. At first, Dr. Williams insisted that I stay away from the wheel and have my mom taxi my brother and I around because 'my mental state was a risk to other drivers'.

I can't imagine how difficult this whole thing is on my mom. She had to take care of us like helpless children plus work her ass off at her job. We owe her-I owe her considering this entire situation is my fault.

I shook the thought away and reached behind me to harshly yank my seatbelt over my shoulder then listened for the satisfying 'click' it makes when you buckle it. Frank copied the action and turned his head to look out the window.

I never understood why people always look out the window. There's nothing to see in Belleville. If anything Frank and I would have memorized all the landmarks on the way to the hospital by now.

"I'm sorry. I know you're tired of this." Frank spoke through the silence.

"Frank what?" I almost stopped the car in shock at his statement.

Frank wiggled uncomfortably in his seat. I heard him sniffle faintly, but continued to look out the window concealing his quiet cries and whimpers.

"It's just-I imagine that this is hard and stressful for you and your family."

"Our family." I corrected.

Frank looked out the front windshield, and I glanced to see the corner of his mouth twitch slightly upward despite the trail of wet tears that stained his cheeks.
"I'm just tired of being a burden to you Gerard. I feel like I have been since the day you first...s-saved me." He stuttered.

"Frank I-" I was speechless. There was so much I wanted to say but the sentences refused to form in my head.

I swerved the wheel and pulled the car over. I sighed and turned my body toward Frank giving him my full undivided attention. I couldn't drive; I'm starting to feel emotional.

"You haven't spoken like that in a long time." I murmured feeling my heart swell in sadness. "Frank you are not a burden, nor have you ever been! I will not rest until you know how much I love you. I'd do anything for you!"

"You shouldn't have to take care of me. I'm going insane. It's unfair to you." He contradicted agonizingly.

"That's what couples do Frank. You'd do the same for me! I love you so much Frank! I need you, and you need me; it's even."

I felt tears prick my eyes and I blinked once causing it to flow down my cheeks like a dam had broken.
"I love you too, Gerard. How are you mine? You are so perfect."

"I'm far from perfect, Frankie. I've caused so much pain and destruction lately." I sighed.

"Gerard, you can't possibly blame yourself for your actions from years ago. You were depressed." Frank insisted.

Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. If I hadn't done drugs or hung out in the wrong crowd Brian would have never been around Frank, Ray, or Mikey.

"I do," I whimpered truthfully. "It's like, the action of throwing myself into the crowd of drug addicts and alcoholics led to all the shit that's been happening now, and I feel so guilty." I completely broke down in front of Frank. I can't help but feel like he doesn't understand.

"Gerard, everyone makes mistakes. You were upset."

"That's no excuse." I told myself more than him.

"Listen to me." Frank said sternly. He rested his hands on each side of my face staring into my eyes.

"You could ask anyone and I bet you everything they would agree
that it's not your fault."
In that moment, all my stress lifted away, and I felt weightless as I listened to Frank's words. I wanted to fully believe him badly, but the guilt will return. It's inevitable.

"Well, you could ask anyone and I bet they'd agree that you're not insane." I managed to debate.

"Let's go see Ray." Frank breathed his voice intoned as he contemplated what I had just said.

I feel like this is good and bad. Idk. Srry this update took awhile.
~Kayla