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t w e n t y t h r e e

"Um." I cleared my throat. "Where you going?"

"I'm going to Atlanta. I'm gonna be seeing a therapist up there and all that." She mumbled almost as if she didn't want me to hear her.

"A therapist for what?"

"I.. I just need to um-" she cleared her throat "I just need to work on some things and I can't do it alone so Ima just get some help." I could hear her voice becoming shaky. "I don't want it so seem like I'm making excuses for what I did to you or anything so I'd rather not say."

I ran my hands down my face sighing at the dumb ass decision I was making. You always hear the saying that love is blind but you never really understand until you've been in love. So in love that no matter what that person has done you still find a reason to have them next to you even when they don't deserve it. You still find a reason to forgive them and somehow you still love them. You convince yourself that maybe you're wrong and you're over reacting. You start believing that maybe it's just life and ain't no point in leaving. That's what you start to tell yourself...

"Come over so we can talk."

The line fell silent and there was slight shuffling. "Okay. I'm coming." I hung up the phone and placed it down releasing a deep breath.

There was a knock at the door and I looked at the time realizing it was my pizza. Once I'd paid I brought the pizza inside and sat it on the table. I opened the box grabbing a slice of the pepperoni with pineapples. I chuckled to myself as I bit into it thinking about how much Savannah loved this pizza.

My chuckles somehow turned into sobs. Just that quickly I'd lost my appetite and were in full blown tears. I dropped the pizza back in the box and pushed it away from me dropping my head onto the table. I literally felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and no matter how much I hated crying, I couldn't stop. I knew I loved her but it took this happening for me to realize how much I loved her.

I said a silent prayer to myself asking for strength and guidance because lord knows I was confused. I didn't know where to turn or how to go about this. Do I forgive her or would I be cheating myself? Dumb enough, I even considered that maybe she'd really learned her lesson this time. Anything that'd give me a good enough reason for even giving her the time of day, I thought about it. Anything that would make me feel like less of a dumb ass for feeling the way I do about her still.

There was soon another knock at the door and quickly sat my head up looking into my phone camera. My eyes were red and low. I kissed my teeth as I quickly went to the table I had in the living room. I opened the drawer pulling out a pre rolled blunt and reached in my pocket pulling out a lighter. I quickly lit it and placed it between my lips taking a pull.

I went to the door swinging it open and Savannah had her hand up as if she was about to knock again but quickly dropped it once she looked up at me. I stepped to the side letting her in and closed the door behind her.

She turned to face me and I shoved one of my hands in my pocket while I took a pull from my blunt in the other.

"Hey." She sighed.

"So watchu need a therapist for?" I cut straight to the point.

"I just need some help."

I furrowed my eyebrows at her saying that again but not being specific. "What you not telling me Savannah?"

She dropped her head and then looked back up at me. "Listen, I just don't know how you'll take it. You could either sympathize with me which I don't want or deserve. I don't deserve your sympathy. Or you can grow even more angry with me because you feel like I'm making excuses so I just don't want either of those things to happen."