Death Row's Delirium

Seventeen: Regret

Frank:

I felt like absolute shit, because I've never ever told Gerard that I had moments where I would black out. Gerard had taken a stab to the stomach and I couldn't help him. I was fighting others and I didn't notice when someone had stabbed Gerard, when he was trying to help me fight off the fuckers. I'm not sure what is going to end up happening, because I lost control of my actions shortly after.

I just couldn't believe that Gerard risk his life to protect mine. What was meant to be a great day out and it ended up being a tragic night. I blame myself because if I was paying attention to surroundings all of this could have been avoided. I know at the moment I might look weak towards my men, I don't think they really mind because in the short time we have grown to like him.

We found out that the people were his family, we questioned them. They told us everything and I felt like killing everyone who did this to him, I decided that from now on his family live in one of the many houses I've owned. Whenever Gerard woke up from his breakdown he would be informed of where family was.

Part of me really wanted to be angry, but I knew sooner or later my girls will have to go. I didn't care about them, I just wanted to Gerard to be okay. Deep down I knew that Gerard made me happy, I loved his laugh and his smile.

I love to see him smiling and giggling because of me, part of me didn't want that to go. I felt warm inside whenever he was around, I did not notice until now that Gerard made me happy.

I guess you never realize what you have until it goes missing. The sad truth was that Gerard wasn't gone, and I don't think he will be. The chance that I never got to tell him that I liked him, hurt me.

The only person I've ever connected with is gone, I never told him and I regret it. I can't seem to get myself out of this regretful trance, and part of me is telling me that I've gone soft. I know I'm not, so before the rest of the members get that idea. I asked one of my men to bring out one of the prisoners, it didn't take much time for the prisoner to be dead.

I was enraged feeling way too many emotions at once, instead of moping I took out everything on someone else. His family had mentioned someone, someone who is very dear to me once. I didn't know that person had a child, I didn't know I wasn't the only one. That person was someone who brought me up, taking care of me and teaching me. That person was my mentor, and that person was Gerard's dad.

The person had a wife, and the wife would some things bring me sweets. my entire life I was so close to Gerard. I've never met him before I was thrown in jail, it must have felt terrible for Gerard. He lost his dad, but I didn't lose my mentor.

The truth is up there, because contrary to Gerards belief, his dad wasn't a person who worked at a office. My head hurt from hearing all of this, and with out notice black fumes surrounded me.

-

Waking up, I felt the mattress move. It was Gerard, I went to touch his shoulder but he grasped my hand.

"Don't." That's all he said.

I felt shaky, and I hated it. I hate the sound of my voice when it shakes. It made me feel so weak, and I hated to feel like I had no control of what was going to happen. I turned to look at him, rolling onto him.

"Gee?" I said, he looked at me with tear filled eyes, his bottom lip out. I shook my head and hugged him, he froze almost as if he had become a statue. In a few moments he began to relax, eventually he was calm. He hugged me back, and I felt the tiny shakes whenever he rain out of air, or when his sobs got to loud. I could feel wet salty tears drop onto my shirt, and part of me wanted to tell him everything was going to be okay. I couldn't promise something that I had no control over, this is a challenge he had to overcome. One that I know to well, the loss of someone special. I lost my mother when I was four, a fight broke out and my mom was killed. I spent years trying to recover, my dad would sometimes stop what he was doing to tell me how proud he was of me. My mother meant everything to me, and losing someone like her had weakened me. He was proud that even though the world seemed to be against me, I had the power to make sure that no other harm would come to us.

"One's heart should never waver, sometimes the people we love are taken from us. It is our job to assure the rest of the people that they won't have to experience the same pain we have gone through."

My father said that all the time, and I'm glad because what seems like only days, I saw someone lose their daughter. I noticed then, that I could not let my people down.

"Gee? Do you want anything?" I spoke softly, I felt him nod.

"Coffee please?" Gerard said, and I told the maid that, sooner or later the coffee arrived and she smiled when I handed it to Gerard. She left with the soft words, young love. Makes me believe we still have a choice and we still have some things worth living for here. No matter what Gerard was going to get better and I was going to tell him, my feelings.