Orgasms

Dark Depths

I am numb. I can feel myself sinking into a dark world of sex and drugs. Because of him. My fantasies have come true. I act them out even though I don't have to; it's not like I am down in the mud of poverty....there are days I go hungry...but know I will be fine.
I sleep with men I do not know. I use the drugs to numb the pain, the guilt, to blur the face of Baloo. And now as I wait for College to open next week, I can't help but look back on my life.....I have been through so much and I am not even 18 yet.

Mama comes by sometimes to drop off food and money at Reuben's place. I have no doubt she loves me, but she is weak. She will let a man keep her away from her own daughter. Even if that man is her husband and my father, it is not right. Twice now she has seen the men. The men that dare to come around during the day. She thinks they are Reuben's workmates or something. I see the look on her face....confusion.

Today, Mama and I sit in the verandah watching people in the street go by. Reuben had left earlier.
"Sweetheart, we can change your whole wardrobe. You have started college now and you need to shine. " Mama says smiling, showing her perfect teeth with the perfect gap on the bottom set.
"Thank you. How is Papa?"
"He will travel to Zimbabwe in two days. He will be living in the same town Reuben was."
"I see. May I come home then?"
"I think it will be best if you stay here...you will learn to stand on your feet...."
I feel frustrated and angry.."--but Mama!"
"Lilian please! You are 17! You are not a child! Don't act like one...stay with Reuben. He takes care of you. I know he does, even though you hardly look like it. Seriously! Are you on some diet?"
My eyes are wet with tears and I cannot look at Mama. I just can't. "No Ma, its just the drugs."
"Eh?"
"Joking."
"It's not funny..."