Orgasms

I don't care

I thought I would feel guilty after that bizarre phone call with Balogun. I don't. I don't care. I haven't heard from him either. Its been two days. I wish school will reopen soon so I can get away from home.

Papa says Reuben will be coming to stay for a week.
It is official. I hate my parents. But they do not know. They do not know. So why do I hate them? Is it because they fail to see me as a whole individual with my own persona and feelings? Is it because I am never considered in decisions that affect my very life? Is it because the term 'child' to them is just another proud achievement? A trophy of some sort....
I hate them. I am not seen as a person. I cannot tell them what Reuben is; because I am sure in the end, it will be my fault.

I cannot sleep. I keep thinking of Reuben. What if he comes to hurt me again? He wouldn't. Would he? I am sixteen now, he is twenty-four. He won't dare. And if he tries, I'll kill him. I am so scared. I am so depressed. Pleasing myself is my only outlet...and I know where that habit comes from...what is the point if when I am finished, I am plunged in even deeper depression because I want to stop this behavior so bad? I am doomed to be a slave it seems....