rain pours and closet doors • River Phoenix

cigarettes and i love yous

River awoke in his bed, next to his fiancé. The memories of that night flooded back to him, and he groaned with regret.

How he left Weather with a note, and didn't stay by her side.

"What's wrong babe?" He snapped his head over to Mary, who laid next to him. Her noise was inches from his.

He blinked, trying to figure out what to say.

"I-I had a bad dream." River stuttered.

You could just see the pain in her eyes as she watched him scrambled for words.

It wasn't a dream, she thought.

It was all fake.

Everything.

Everything from the looks he gave her.
The smile that came from his lips.
The touch of his fingers intertwined with hers.
The ring he put on her finger.
The baby she held.
The promises he made.
The love, every single inch of the love.

Was all fake.

He watched eagerly as her eyes began to water, her small hand flew up to her red lips, covering her sobs.

River quickly pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her dark hair.

He knew exactly what was about to happen.

She laid there in his arms for a moment before she spoke.

"It's her isn't it? It's always going to be her? Isn't it!" Mary sobbed.

River began to cry, tears fell down his cheeks.

"Yes."

"Why! Why lie to me? Why give me this hope and then just crush it?" She tore from his hold. Siting up to look at him.

He frantically looked over her face, looking for a answer. Any kind of answer.

But he couldn't lie to her, not anymore.

"I was selfish, so so selfish. I thought if I had you maybe I could forget about her and move on the a new life. And I did! Trust me I did. I fell in love with you Mary. I thought you where the one, but the whole time I couldn't get that selfish idea out of my mind. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. I didn't know she was going to come back. I thought she'd be gone forever, and the idea would soon vanish, and I could live my wonderful life with you. With our baby. Mary, jesus, I am sorry." River let his head fall into his hands, as tears fell from his eyes.

"So, are you going to leave us?" She choked, her hands cradling her seven month belly.

River peaked over his hands at her, and going with his heart, he slowly nodded his head.

He watched as she completely broke down.

He so baldy he wanted to do what his gut wanted to do, stay and take care of them. But his heart killed him, drilling him with the same line over and over again.

"I'll never leave you, no matter how much danger I'll be in."

"I-I need to go." He threw the blanket off his legs, and hurried out the bedroom door. He made it the the front door and slipped on his shoes and his coat.

He reached the nob, but he stopped. Something in him made him hesitant.

He sighed a long shaky sigh, before screwing his eyes shut and grabbing the nob to open the door. He opened his eyes as he made it outside of their little house.