Stars Landing [Book 3]

Chapter 3 - Broken

Tegan searched for her cell, her hands still trembling. "Breathe," she told herself trying to slow her uneven breaths. "Just breathe for fuck sake."

"Hello?" Kerry answered her phone.

"Hey," Tegan cried failing to keep her cool. "Can you talk?"

"Are you okay?" Kerry could hear her broken voice over the busy streets of Toronto. "What happened?"

Tegan didn't know where to begin. "I—I kissed him," she said. "Kerry, I kissed him and it was supposed to be a triumph but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like a loss and I don't think I can do this. I can't keep hurting myself like this."

"Hon, calm down." Kerry moved to a quieter spot as the background noise slowly diminished. "Who did you kiss? Christian? Did you kiss that low life? Already? Why? Why? Why?"

"I don't know!" Tegan broke down. "Everything is so fucked up. I just saw him at Whole Foods. I was doing groceries and he was there. The universe hates my guts, Kerr because he was there and he saw me. And he started talking about me to his friend, like I meant nothing, and then he brought up that night. He said I was predictable and broken."

Kerry cursed his ancestors.

"And I just couldn't hold it," Tegan wiped the tears from her cheeks but they kept falling. Her nose was redder than an apple and her face flushed. "So I kissed him to shut him up and I thought it would feel amazing. I thought he would catch butterflies or something and maybe he did. I didn't stick around to find out. I just left him there. By the pickles and walked out, the alarm rang because I still had the grocery cart in my hand."

Kerry sighed. "Where are you right now?"

"In the parking lot," Tegan balled. "With no groceries and a broken resolve. God, is he right about me? Am I so stupidly weak and predictable?"

"No," Kerry soothed. "Not at all, Teg. You're so brave for kissing him. Really, I think that takes so much courage. I know you're hurting and it all feels like it's falling apart but you're going to get through this. If you think it's too hard to be around him and you don't want to get even then don't do it. You're too good for that shit anyway."

Tegan hyperventilated.

"Just try to calm down," Kerry advised. "Don't start the car or drive anywhere. Not before you get it together."

Tegan nodded wiping more tears. "I'm just, I'm just, I'm going to go home and try to pretend that none of that happened and put on my onsie and get ice cream and fucksake!" Her voice pitched higher. "Why does it feel like I'm ending a long-term relationship? I'm just so sick of men. I'm sick of them."

"Rant away," Kerry said. "I'll stay with you until you feel better and then you're going to go home, and if you really need to get into that onsie, you'll do it. And you'll accept the aftermath as it is and you will forget about him. He isn't worth all these tears you're crying, Tegan. You deserve someone who can see all your beautiful qualities and accept them and love them and love you."

Tegan sniffled. "I don't understand why I'm the one hurting. I don't want to be on the other side of the road all depressed and lonely while he's living it up with Lance or whoever the fuck he hangs with. I want him to feel what I feel and I want to be confident when I stand next to the fucken pickles. I want to be strong when I look at him and protect my heart without wanting to crush his balls in my hand. I want to get over this so badly but I can't. I don't want to keep changing my mind about it. He needs to feel what I feel. He needs to know what it's like to be alone and miserable. He's done for. I know you said that I'm better than that stuff but right now it feels like I'm not."

"Tegan," Kerry spoke. "I put this idea in your head and I feel terrible about it. I don't want you to do anything that is going to jeopardize your heart. I don't want to get a call every time you try to get revenge and end up balling your eyes out."

"I don't want to let him walk over me and let that be our story," Tegan replied. "I just feel like I need to do something."

"I have a meeting in the morning," Kerry changed the subject. "But I'll be free for lunch so I'll come by your work and we can chat more about this."

"Don't try to change my mind," Tegan said. "I really, really need you to be that person that helps me through this. Not the person who pulls me out. Sera has that covered."

"Sera?" Kerry asked. "She's in town? What happened to Rhea?"

"Yeah, Sera is in town and Rhea doesn't know anything. I don't want to worry her when she has so many problems of her own."

"You still haven't told her?"

"I'll tell her when I'm more confident about the decision."