Weak Heart

The Letter

It had been three slow days since Camila left that white envelope sitting on my coffee table, and walked out the door. I hadn't even cried once, all I did was sit hopelessly staring at the wall, waiting for her to walk through my door and tell me she wasn't giving up. But I knew I was waiting for something that would never happen. The crinkled envelope she had left me now sat on my night stand, waiting to be opened. But I couldn't open it yet. I didn't know what it would say, or what she would reveal. I didn't want to read her goodbye, because then it became more real that she was truly gone. I hoped that the letter told me that she was going to be fine and live a happy life without me, but what if it didn't? I didn't want to hear her voice inside my head as I read it, because I knew that I had broken her heart just as she had broken mine so many times. What if she had questions that not even I could answer, or what if the letter changed my mind. What if it wasn't even a letter at all, but a picture or a scent or just the littlest thing that made me crave her? Nothing had been running through my head anymore, because Camila seemed to be the only thing that was ever worth thinking about. When I would see her next, what we would say or what we would do, or what would happen. This time was different from the rest in little ways. The other times she told me goodbye, I expected her to be back. I guess it was because I was never able to move on or forget about the way she looked at me, and made me feel wanted. But this time, I didn't expect her to come back.We both knew that it had been enough, and that we can't spend anymore time trying to get back what we had at first, because it was indeed ruined. We both knew that no matter how many sleepless nights we spent craving each other's presence, or how long it would take to feel complete again, our relationship had ended. The thing that saddened me the most was that it didn't have to be over, but it was because I no longer trusted her, and even when she gave me a reason to trust her again, I still couldn't.

      It was really cold for it being spring. I sat prompted in my bed, with my cup of warm tea and a good book, enjoying the feeling of being alone, in the peace and quiet. Aside from the street noises that were very clear, I almost felt somewhat peaceful. My hair dangled in front of my face, causing me to keep pushing it back over and over again. The classical music I was playing on my stereo and the outstanding points on feminism that my current book was making, I maybe even had a feeling of being content. I hadn't felt that way in a very long time. Camila still ran throughout my mind, as I wondered where she was or what she was doing while I was here alone. That mysterious envelope still sat next to me, and I couldn't stop wondering what was inside. It had now been 6 days since I received it, and I didn't want to save it for forever. I took a deep breath, and set my book down for a moment to think. I set my cup of tea down on my nightstand, exchanging it for the envelope. I studied it although there was nothing to study, it was all just plain and white. I brought it close to my nose, to see if it smelled like Camila but it only smelled like paper. I sighed, having flashbacks of memories with Camila, that seemed to play right in front of me off of the blank envelope. I quickly snapped myself out of my memory slideshow, and slowly opened the envelope. Nervous to take out what was inside, I closed my eyes and pulled it out. It was a letter, as long as 4 pages. Camila had written me a novel that I wasn't ready to read, but then again I never would've been. I opened up the flooded papers, and started to read.

"My Love,
I was hoping you wouldn't have had to read this, but here you are. I don't know where to start, but I know that this letter won't be short.. So I'll start here. I remember the first time I saw you, in that old cabin. Your long curly chestnut hair, and how you acted like such a badass. I remember getting to know you that summer, I was a shy dainty thing. I had no clue who I was, and I think that's why I found you. Ever since that summer, I tried convincing myself that I didn't love you, instead of embracing that I really, really did. I can't tell you how many times I looked at you, and thought that you were the most beautiful person to ever be. I've said it before, and I can never say it enough that I'm sorry I let myself be scared and foolish all those times I let you down. I never should've let you go, and I can never get back the years that I let someone else call you theirs, while I wasted my time without you. You should know that I will never love someone like I love you. There is so many words that I have to fit into these pages, but I'm writing the most important things. This is my official goodbye letter, because you deserve a final closing. When I had you, I was happy. You are my first love, and I will always love you. No one else ever made me feel the way you did, or likes at me the way you did, and I am forever great full. If there is one thing I can guarantee, is that our love was perfect while it lasted. In the midst of its imperfections, we both know what we felt, and that only comes once in a lifetime. I'm glad that my perfect love, was with you. Our love has ran its course my dear, but that doesn't mean it's forgotten. We had the kind of love that people could write novels about, and songs, and poems. I only wish it could last until we're old, but even it you wanted it to, I'm afraid it can't. I've rewritten this part of my letter so many times trying to find the right way to say this, hoping that if I say it right everything will be alright. Lauren, I was diagnosed with Leukemia right before I showed back up into your life for this last time. I was given 6 to 9 months to live, and through being heart broken, I knew that I wanted to spend it with you. And I did.. And that makes me very complete. I know that it's a terrible thing that my life has to be taken from me now.. But I want you to know that I fully lived, thanks to you. You gave me the adventure of a lifetime, so thank you. If it's possible, I don't want you to be sad when I'm gone. I want you to remember the good times, and accept that it's okay. I have no doubt in my mind that you'll meet a pretty girl, and fall in love and this time you won't get hurt. Live that life. Go on to be a success and live to the fullest, never regret. Don't forget about us, or all the feelings that came out of it. You are the most important thing to me, and I would hate to see you not be content with your life. If you ever find yourself missing me, read this and know that I love you with all of my heart. I'll always be with you and maybe I'll even be your guardian angel. Be strong for me always. Maybe our love was meant to last forever, but life got in the way. I am sorry that I couldn't be strong enough to stay around, but I am happy with the way my life went. The only thing I regret was hurting you, but luckily I've  forgiven myself now. Looks like my pages are up, and it's time to say goodbye one last time. Thank you for giving me a life worth living, and loving me even when I couldn't love myself. I love you Lauren Jauregui, and I know you love me too. Maybe someday I'll meet you again Lolo.
                      
                                             Love Camila"