Weak Heart

Drunk in Memories

"Camila what the hell! You cannot have another drink. I wouldn't be surprised if you've already had ten!" I kept forgetting she was now allowed to drink, and could drink as much as she pleased. I wondered if she did this often, or if its just because I was back in her life. But maybe me being back didn't even register to her as a new thing or a big deal... maybe it was only a big deal to me. I'm just the girl she met at summer camp in high school, and the girl that made her realize she was bisexual. No big deal or anything. Somewhere deep down I wished that she would cry and apologize heavily for what she did to me. I wished that she realized that she broke me, and hurt me more than anybody ever could have. She was my soulmate.. and that's something I still believed, but how could I even think about going back to her after she so carelessly deserted me?

"You can sleep here for the night. I don't think you should be alone in this state of drunkenness." I told her as I set a blanket down on the couch for her. "I'll go get you some clothes." I let her know, then made my way upstairs to my bedroom. I got into my top droor where I kept my comfortable clothes. I scrambled through, trying to find the Tee shirt that she always had loved.. back then. I found the bright yellow shirt that was too long for her, and some black shorts to sleep in. I buried my face into the shirt for a moment.. just to smell the memories, which I shouldn't have even wanted to remember. All I knew was that every time I smelled it, she came flooding back. Like she hadn't faded.. like our love hadn't gone away, like she hadn't gone away. It felt like she never left. But when I stopped smelling the shirt that she had worn so many times, a tear never failed to escape from my eyes. My heart always broke one more time over her.. and always left a scar.
"Here you are." I handed Camila the clothes as she sat up from staring blankly into space, her cheeks were wet and her eyes were red - you could tell that she had been crying since I went upstairs.
"Thanks" she sniffled.
"Okay what's wrong..? Why were you crying?" I asked trying to sound sympathetic.. I was always putting her first.
"Nothing. I mean.. I can't tell you."
"Why not?" I got a little worried.
"I'm sorry Lauren. I'm drunk of out of my mind and I'm tired and I really should sleep. I didn't want to ruin your night or intrude but I have" She sadly mumbled, barely moving her lips.
"Hey" I sounded a little too sympathetic now. I sat down beside her hoping to somehow comfort her. "You didn't ruin my night. I mean sure we could have gone and done something a little more.. safe. But that doesn't mean I am mad about it. I'm glad to be spending time with you. I just wish I could know what's bothering you." I told her, as she fell into my arms wanting me to hold her. I did. I waited a few seconds for her to answer, but she didn't. She was asleep. I lied her down on the couch, and slid her shoes off. Standing beside the couch I looked at her for a moment. She seemed so innocent and pure.. so fragile. I knew Camila more than anybody else did. I spent countless nights with her, taking care of her needs, having long and deep conversations, and sleeping next to her every night. I knew who she was, even though she hid it. She didn't have evil in her heart.. she didn't want to make other people hurt, she was just a strong believer to make herself happy before anyone else. Even though I wanted that for her... I couldn't help but be selfish when it came down to choices. I spent so much time over the past week convincing myself that I don't love her anymore, and that I didn't want her anymore. Not like that. But no matter how many times I went over it in my head, I still loved her. I couldn't admit it or put it into words, I just loved her. I wanted her to be mine again and I wanted to be hers. Looking at her.. it made me wonder if she wanted that too.. if that's why she came back. Or maybe she just came back for the fun of it.. and to leave again. She was such a mystery story. The kind that everyone got hooked to. Everyone.
"Good morning" I greeted Camila as she walked into the kitchen. Her hair was a mess and her makeup was smeared, and she smelled like vodka and perfume.
"Okay. I don't know what went on last night but whatever did, I am so so sorry. I was being stupid getting drunk and taking you to that place.. I can't even remember what happened after I had some drinks. I feel awful you had to take me here.."
"It's fine. Don't worry about it. Eggs?" I casually offered her some of the cheesy scrambled eggs I had cooked.

"Sure" She replied, sitting down at the table. "So you moved. I must say I was very confused and scared when I woke up, not knowing where the hell I was but.. I heard you whistling and then I knew. I love your home, its very beautiful." Camila's compliment made me think about the inspiration of the decorations. Her. And the way she used to decorate my old apartment. I couldn't stop associated old pieces of us with my life now. I never wanted her to leave.