My Letters to God.

Letter 38

God, 

Why do you love me? Why do you love me so much you want me to go to heaven? Why do you love me so much that you sent your baby boy to die for me: someone so twisted and selfish? Why Jesus did you die for me? Why do you want me to go to heaven? Why do you both want to hug me and give me peace when I am deserving of chaos? Just why? I don't think I will ever understand your love but thank you for loving me Lord. God...love is such a sacred thing. Something I never truly understood or probably will understand. Love is so infinite. It is loyal, kind, patient, accepting, sacrifice, beautiful and yet so many abuse that Lord. So many take that and turn what should be a dream into a nightmare. It hurts my heart Lord knowing that I never grew up with that model of love. It hurts that looking at my parents or anybody else in my family-in their relationships-it was all destructive. My dad lost his love to cancer, married my step mom who wanted too much and my dad who never loved her to begin with. He married her just for mine and my sibling's sake. I can't blame him Lord-never could be angry looking at his past. What he wasn't taught. My grandma was just plain bitter to my grandpa. Love...scared me. Giving my heart to someone, giving them my trust and the ropes in my life so they can take hold and be another disappointment. I love my family but growing up I always felt they were never there. I was alone and the ones I did see as family were my friends...and whenever someone in my family talked to me it was to tell a secret, share something I never wanted to know. It hurt because the ones who should have taught me love thrown me into confusion. "I love you" I heard it all the time but it was just a word. Just a word with no real meaning. I stayed away from relationships both family and intimate because "LOVE" did not exist. Me against the world and I was drowning in its 'version' of love. Love that meant nothing. Got spread too much. Made people crazy and lose themselves and so bitter to those around them. What the heck is love?! You are love; TRUE love. That is what I understand now. You gave everything to save us. Came down from above through your son and you both died just so we can be saved. You don't need us and we do not deserve you but yet you give and you give and even encourage us to come to you and ask. You are patient and correct us when we are wrong, give us a second chance and love us even when we are so twisted! You care not for how we look, how popular we are or poor or lame or weird or sarcastic: You accept us all them same and just hold us in that love! It hurts how much we humans trample on that love and categorize it, limit it, and abuse it. In the bible you always tell us you have compassion and love for us. Jesus felt nothing but compassion for us sinners. It makes me so ashamed Lord to know I never accepted or bothered to understand love until this year. It also hurts me that my dad thinks its ok to sleep with women as long as the girls "understand it isn't serious". If people don't see someone in their future or even want to be serious then stop. Just stop because that isn't love. It's not...God I don't want to be like that. I gave you my heart this year and I know you will never disappoint me like I do you. I know you I can trust my everything but with others...I don't want to hurt others when and if I ever fall in love in that romantic sense. Being with someone seems interesting and fun to imagine but in reality...we might tear each other apart and I don't want to give myself to a man who I will not see in my future. Love is sacred and I don't want to abuse it again. 

Candy.