My Letters to God.

Letter 1

I feel like I'm going in circles. Like I'm stuck in a cycle and I can't seem to claw my way out of. It's feels like when I found my religion again I started grieving.

Like all the things I've ever held in and ignored through others things are finally spilling out of me. It's something I need: to grieve but it's also scary because I've always ignored things for so long and lived with this self-loathing, ice hardening mask that it became a part of me. It isn't who I want to be though. I was heading down a soul damning path. Turning into someone I feared deep inside: Someone unworthy of love, being hugged gently by my parents -both earth and heaven one - Someone that deserved to rot in hell because Heaven is too good for me. I was worse than others. I felt numb, like no one else's sin compared to mines. Conceited huh? But it was like...God used that feeling - that fear I had of the end coming and going to hell - to bring me back to him. Scared Straight I guess I should say. Tough Love but I'm happy for it. I started praying constantly and then going to church. I actually looked around and then at myself instead of ignoring and then thought - Where was I heading? Where am I heading? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? Better yet: What kind of person do I want to be? I don't want to go back to how I was. To that soul destructive person. I feel like God's given me a chance at redemption and is using me to get my family back to him. I feel like my past doesn't define me but I'm still stuck in that cycle of fear. Is it wrong to feel like God is using me? He uses the broken right, so is it wrong I believe he's using me? But how can I lead others to you God if I'm stuck myself. My fear, I fear lots of things, is filling my head again and it's frustrating because I feel like I should do something but is unable to. I'm reading my bible, praying, I'm trying to seek you God and do what you want me to but I feel like a mule trying to find water when it's already in front of me! I feel that I'm letting my fears of the things I can't change and overthinking, making everything complicated when you are showing me the signs and telling me in plain words but I can't hear! It's frustrating Lord! I want to hear you, listen to what you tell me and follow in your path. The path you want me to take but it is like those voices, my voice is trying to diverge me and I don't want that! I don't want my voice; I don't want to fear anymore. I know you are here. I know you always looked out for me and my family but I'm so afraid of stepping the wrong way and getting lost again that it's ruling my mind. I feel like Elijah when he locked himself in that cave. He was stuck. I am feeling that way too. You always have a plan God and I can't see what that plan is yet but I trust you that it will be grand. I just want to stay strong for you. I have no talents; I suck at communicating and getting my words out through my lips. They always seem stuck down my throat or come off wrong but I have my writing. I want you to use me Lord. To mold me into the person you want. I am your daughter and I want to stay by your side! I want my family safe. I want to see my mother again, meet my grandfather; I want my family to be saved. I want to hear the Angels sing your glory. I want peace! When I think about death, it's sad but it's not what I fear. Everything is materialistic. Everything on Earth comes to an end. Even the pain through Death Ends. It's the afterlife I fear. I want to remain in your mercy and not get lost again. Never again! You are coming back and I wish not to fear my enemies because you will hold me in your loving embrace. I know that. I understand that. So why do cry? Why am I worrying over things out of my control but is in your hands? I was reading my Grandmother's Serenity Prayer by the entrance of the house. It asked that You give us the strength to change what we can and accept the things we can't and to know the difference between the two. I pray for that too. Everything is out of my hands. I want to focus on you, let not my heart harden again, let not my eyes be sidetracked again, and let not my thoughts go down wrong paths. Let my eyes keep on you and my path go down the righteous path you set for me God. Thank you for everything. Every trial and ever victory. Thank you for loving me so much that you gave you Son to die for my sins. I'm sorry for making you sad, I'm sorry for every sin I've done. I pray for the strength to follow you Lord and keep my faith in you alone. I pray for the strength to get out of this cave I find myself in and help those you want me to help. Those who need it Lord. I pray that my brother would look up to me as an example to search you out too. For my dad to remain safe and happy. For my sister to be protected and cared for. For my friends and family to know you are the one and only God. I will continue to seek you and let me not turn from the knowledge you are giving to me. If I turn just slightly, steer me away and back to you and you alone. I pray also for your children, my brothers and sisters that are being prosecuted for loving you Lord. Let their souls rest and be in a sweet sleep until your arrival. Let us thank you every day we wake, every night we sleep, and every blessing/trial you send our way. Let us seek you at our weakest and give you the glory at our highest. In your Holy name; Amen.

Thank you for loving me God.