My Letters to God.

Letter 37

Peace and rest...when was the last time I ever felt that in my life Lord? I don't think I can ever recall such a moment in my life where peace and moment were with me. There was always something to do, things to learn, and people and places to survive. As I grew up, responsibility grew and depression stuck to me like a stain I couldn't clean out. So many voices shouted out to me, intrusive thoughts that never seemed to banished and instead piled in. People became monsters to me and my heart just broke to the point I believed it was unfix-able. A lost cause in my own abyss of insanity Lord. Yesterday night when I went to my youth meeting-Soul Purpose- at my church everyone kept congratulating me on my baptism and how I felt since then. I don't know what to feel Lord. I guess I was expecting to feel something but that something was wrong. I do know that what I felt in the end and to today is peace and rest. Like I can rest now. Everything was finally out. Every scar, every pain, and everything I ever tried hiding and lying to myself about was laid out before You and me and I felt this weight just lifted. I felt able to breath again. Like I can go to the mirror in my bathroom and once more look at the girl in the reflection without thinking "Who is she?" I feel hope. Thank you Lord. Also thank you for my aunt. She opened up to me today through text and said she's been praying to God for a reason and that you answered her prayer by putting me in her life to "Open her eyes wider" She told me she's a backslider and yesterday night she said it felt good talking about the gospel and the bible with someone. She's right. It does feel good. Really good. We talked about lots of things Lord. About you always being here for us and never losing our faith or hope or giving up on others because you are an almighty God  that can reach even the most twisted of hearts: you touched mine and my aunts and you know how twisted we were. I even shared with her my dreams growing up. The tests or temptations I was going through that you protected me from failing. A dream can say a lot about a person and I guess that's what you saw in my heart. I'm not cable of truly hating or hurting someone. As I was telling my aunt about my dreams, my legs were shaking as if they were freezing and that was weird to feel cold because I had a blanket on me and my grandma's dog was by me. I guess those dreams still freak me out a bit to this day but not as much anymore because you are with me Lord. Who can stand against me with you watching over me and leading me? It felt great that you are using me for my aunt Lord. I kept praying that you use me to bring my family back to you and the least family member I was thinking about you sent my way to bring back. Just shows that we will never know your plans or just how far your plans extend from our imaginations. I'm happy Lord. My aunt wants to get baptized and she will be coming with us to church this Sunday again. Thank you Lord for always answering our prayers and bring me and my aunt each other. Please continue to use me as your instrument. In Jesus name: Amen. 

Candy