This Is My Story

|| You're his muse ||

C H A P T E R T W E N T Y - S I X
______________________

These last few days have been calming for me, even though it might me hard to believe. Sometimes, you just need to take a few steps back and see that maybe you just need to take a deep breath to realize that it is not the end of the world. Sometimes, you just need a little time to adjust yourself, to accept the facts displayed in front of you.

A few months away from now, I would have died to have such calm in my life, but a lot of things can happen within months and now, I do crave someone who can stay by my side and understand my silence, who will sit at the top of a rooftop and listen to the sound of the world with me, but now, I also accept the fact that everything doesn't always happen the way you want it to. You just have to go with the flow. Not only things have changed, but I did too. I guess I am still hard to love, but at least, I am lovable now.

I climb the stairs to the rooftop of my building, each of my steps echoing into the whole space. I feel alone, but alone is not always bad. I have been by my own long enough to be used to it now.

When I finally reach the top and open the door that leads to the outside, freedom takes over me. I sit down on the edge of the roof and look down at the people walking around. They seem so tiny now that I look at them from the top, yet they all keep different stories within their souls. How crazy can that be? Knowing that each person you pass by today all have this amazing life novel they could write about themselves and that none of them will be the exact same thing? Some walk together hand in hand, some are alone and talking on their phones and they all seem in such a hurry. The problem with our generation now is that we seem so obsessed with time that we never seem to stop to enjoy the little things that life throws at us. Just like this beautiful sunset right above their heads, coloring the sky into faded shades of pink, blue and orange.

Multiple girls stop to look at their reflections in front of a car or bay windows. Why do they bother to accord so much attention to something so insignificant?

The truth is that looks aren't everything, time isn't all that matter. I think that the true key to happiness is to learn to live in the moment, to stop obsession so much about our looks, to accept our own true self. After all, what will be left of us after all of this? After all the studying, all the makeup, all the work we choose to do on this earth? Nothing. Nothing will be left of us but memories. We should start creating them, those traces we'll leave on earth. Write a book, film a movie, save lives, teach the youth, be kind, do whatever you want but do not wait for something to happen to you because who knows how long you'll have to wait?

That's when I realize it. While watching all of these people on the street, busying themselves with things that shouldn't matter, I see all of these healthy people, being unhappy. I realize that after all, perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps living wasn't necessarily the point of this all. Perhaps the point of life was to go through our path, our journey, regardless of how long it took. Perhaps healthy people weren't always happy and that sick people weren't suffering.

So I decide to let go.

☆彡

I remember the first day I met Graham and Logan at the Starbucks. It was two months after my brother's death and I felt empty. Empty of feelings, empty of soul.

It is kind of how I feel right now.

You know when you have just done the unthinkable and everything seems to go in slow motion? As if all of it wasn't really happening to you and that you were a simple spectator, observing the scene right in front of your eyes?

I tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear and took a deep breath, avoiding his eyes. He knew what I was about to do and he respected that, but for which reasons? I'll never know. There was no sympathy in his eyes. Just comprehension and maybe a bit of empathy. I felt naked as I read over the pages quickly, prolonging the moment for a little while. I guess I was perhaps hoping for a typo, a sign that could change everything, but there was none. Maybe that was the sign I truly needed. The sign to tell me to let go.