This Is My Story

|| Feelings 101 ||

C H A P T E R N I N E T E E N
__________________________
Sometimes, I wonder if I have any kind of mental illness, such as anxiety. Some thoughts that seem so harmless and joyful to people just feel extremely stressful to me. For instance, my relationship with Logan. I don't know why I need to label it so badly, but I guess it just gives me this feeling of security. Sometimes, he walks me to my classes and we hold hands and that makes me ask myself tons of question. Does that mean that we're together? Does he likes me? Is he doing that with everyone? What if he's playing around with me? I know it seems stupid, but I can't help it.

Just like last Sunday, he showed up at my apartment with some movies, pretexting that he needed to "cultivate" me a bit and I ended up falling asleep on him. The fact that the movies were uninteresting to me maybe has something to do with it.

Oddly, Logan is still Logan. He'll gaze into the distance some nights and begin to talk to me about how amazing he thinks that there's so many people alive, living each something different at the same moment in this world and that's the moments where my uncertainty about my feelings toward him disappear. Other times, he'll simply e-mail me the name of a book, a poem or even a quote and I'll smile the whole time while reading it.

Isn't that wonderful? That feeling you have when someone tells you something like hey that made me think about you or when they'll bring you something from their shopping session or even just share a link on your facebook and type check this out! Being with Logan makes me constantly feel like this. So special, like if someone is always paying attention to what you're reading, eating and watching and will search for something about you everywhere. That's how he makes me feel.

Jewels told me that we definitely were together by now, but let's just say I don't trust her at all with anything related to couples. The only action of talking to her about it makes me have goosebumps all over my arms.

It's currently 10:45 PM and I'm still awake, thinking about him, about us. How girlish is that? That's crazy coming from me, but I can't help it, my eyes won't close and my mind keeps running.

Then, my phone rings.

I look at the caller, even though I already know who it is. Let's just say that there's not a lot of people who calls me in the middle of the night - in fact, there's not a lot of people who calls me at all.

I clear my throat and wait till the third ring before answering. I hate looking like I'm waiting for him to call me.

"Hello?" I ask, feigning ignorance.

"Grace, drop the act, you know it's me." Logan's voice says on the other line, amusement in his voice.

That makes me blush of embarrassment but I try not to let it show.

"I was just making sure." I reply, trying to keep my voice calm and assured.

"Well I'm calling to make sure that you're free right now, because I'm craving some fresh air."

I smile and sit down on my bed, already taking off my jogging pants.

"I don't know..." I still say, because I hate to confirm his doubts: I never say no to his invitations. "I'm kind of-"

"Too bad, I'm already searching for a parking spot in front of your building."

Then he hangs up.

I sigh as I pull my hair up into a high ponytail and put on a cropped shirt along with some jeans. I never try too hard with Logan - or with anyone else for that matter - because even if I did, he'll probably take forever to notice it.

I don't know if I should feel relieved or annoyed that he doesn't care about things like my appearance, but it would be stupid to upset about it.

I pass near Matt's room and a breeze of nostalgia caress my skin. His room is still exactly like he left it that day. Some days, when I feel brave enough and go in, I'll still catch a tiny hint of his scent in the room, a glimpse of his guitar a simple brush of my fingertips over his lucky necklace. Today is not one of those days. I turn around and put on my running shoes.