Secretly Loving You

No one else compares

* * *
Dean

I had been miserable since Seth and I broke up, well I guess we didn't really break up, since we were never actually in a relationship to start with and that was my fault. I never realized how much I actually loved him until I lost him. I was in denial of my feelings and I went back to what I thought I needed and ended up losing him. I had been functioning on auto-pilot, falling into the hotel bar night after night until the liquor took away the pain. Tonight was no different and as I sipped my first drink of the night a familiar laugh cut through my self inflicted misery. Seth was standing at the other side of the bar with some guy I'd never seen before, a guy that was clearly flirting with him and it felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. I downed my drink and and watched as Seth admired the guys biceps running his hands over the guys arm with awe. Seth didn't handle alcohol well, he got drunk easily and made bad decisions and by the look of things, this guy was determined to get Seth as drunk as humanely possible.My legs began to move before my brain could warn me against it.

''Hey! Back the fuck off!'' I warned as I wrapped my arm around Seth's waist, pulling him towards me

"Take it easy man we were just talking" The guy replied

"Just talking my ass" This guy had an expression on his face that was just begging to be punched and I secured my arms around Seth's waist as he swayed slightly "If I see you go near him again you'll regret it"

I dragged Seth out of the bar before the guy could respond and I was beyond angry by the time I got Seth back to my room "What was that?"

Seth's eyes were unfocused as he looked at me ''I can do what i want... We're not together"

"So that makes it alright to flirt with someone right in front of me?" I argued "Do you wanna see me break?"

Seth stumbled towards the door "He wasn't ashamed of me...or scared to hold my hand...you can't even bare to be seen with me"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The next morning i went to see Seth, who was looking like he was suffering from more than just a hangover. Again, that was my fault. He invited me inside and for a moment we just stared at each other.

"I'm not ashamed to be seen with you" I said, breaking the silence

"You can't go around attacking people Dean" Seth replied. Ignoring my statement

''I know'' I finally replied ''And you're right. You deserve better and i'm sorry''

I watched as Seth grabbed himself a glass of water, swallowing it down with what i assumed were pain killers

''I tried to find happiness without you, I really did, but how can i do that when you react the way you did last night?''

''I know i had no right to do that but seeing you with someone else...it hurt me''

Seth laughed bitterly "So you don't want me but you don't want me to be with anyone else either?"

"I never said I didn't want you" I corrected

"Right you just want to be with me when its convenient" Seth answered "Do you have any idea what it feels like to be a secret, to have the person you love use you and then act like nothing happened?"

"I panicked okay" I admitted "Before i met you i was 100% straight. I'd never been attracted to a man before and then suddenly everything changed when i met you. When we are together it feels so right and it made me feel like I'd been living a lie my whole life. I suddenly began questioning everything. Every decision I'd ever made and i needed someone to talk to, someone that knew me on an intimate level"

Seth's face softened as he moved closer to me "Why didn't you just talk to me?"

I shrugged "Because I needed her to tell me if our relationship ended because of me, if she could tell at any point that I might of had feelings for someone else"

"What did she say?" Seth asked

I sat down on the small couch next to me "She said that she felt like my heart wasn't completely in it. She could tell that, deep down i wasn't happy"

Seth sat down on the arm of the couch ''Did what she say help you at all?"

I looked at him, placing my hand on his thigh "Yeah. I realised that I was just making do before I met you. Like trying to put a round peg into a square hole. It just didn't feel right but with you, it just works"

"I understand where you're at right now because I've been there. I dated girls and it never felt right" Seth replied "but ultimately i had to accept that guys were my preference"

''I don't wanna lose what we have" I admitted

''So why did you push me away?'' Seth asked as he moved to straddle my lap

I placed my hand on the back of his  head and pulled him into a kiss ''Because you deserve better than a fuck up like me. I'm not an easy person to love"

"I know" Seth declared ''But i do anyway"