Creating Me - Eremin

Chapter 13

a/n: so I might have to get knee surgery D: apparently I damaged my acl, and surgery is the only way to fix it :/ not looking forwards to that. anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

trigger warnings: self harm, dysphoria

It's been a while since I've even had my hands on a blade. Eren's been very careful to make sure that I can't have any. He cares about me too much for his own good. I know I'll hurt him more eventually, but I want to avoid that if at all possible. I've already caused him so much trouble, I wouldn't be able the live with myself if I burdened him any more.

Not like I'm living with myself now, though.

Lately, I've just been feeling like shit. My 16th birthday is next week, and that should be making me feel better, but it isn't. It just reminds me of all the years that nobody cared enough to even remember my birthday, the years of singing "Happy Birthday" to myself, the years where I hardly even existed in people's minds. My birthday just isn't something that makes me happy anymore, there's too many bad memories that come with it. 

My dysphoria has been at an all time high lately. Even with my new binder (which Eren wouldn't let me pay for), I just feel so uncomfortable in my body, all the time. I get that horrible, horrible feeling in my chest, almost like a panic attack, and then it spreads all through my body, weighing me down. It's like no light can enter my world when I have it. Dysphoria is the worst.

Of course, Eren noticed. I'd been acting more withdrawn than usual, more gloomy, and he wanted to know what was going on. I just shook my head and mumbled something or other about it being nothing. Of course, he didn't buy into that, but he didn't press me for answers. He just made sure that he did everything he could to try and cheer me up. And I really, really appreciate that. He's so sweet, and I don't deserve him. Usually, he makes me so happy, and we can just have fun together, but ever since this wave of horrible dysphoria hit, nothing is able to cheer me up. I've even started sleeping with my binder on, just to make the dysphoria even a tiny bit less. Obviously, it's a horrible idea and it makes for some uncomfortable breathing, but I can't help it. Even a little bit less dysphoria is worth the pain. 

But here I am now, staring at the sleet-grey piece of metal in my hands. It's a blade from a small x-acto knife, I stole it from the art studio at school. I grip it between my thumb and my fingers, taking one last look at the bathroom door to make sure that it's locked. I take a deep breath a begin to press the cold metal to my wrist, but I quickly withdraw. No, I think to myself, too obvious. Eren would easily be able to see any cuts on my wrists. My stomach, however... 

I lift up my shirt and press the blade to my upper belly, near my ribcage. As I slide the metal across my smooth skin, I sigh, a smile creeping onto my face. I do it again and again, slicing with the metal over and over until the bottom of my ribcage is hardly recognizable. I wash it with some water and tissues, and then put gauze over the cuts. It looks slightly bulky, but not enough to be noticeable, I'm sure. I grab the blade and carefully reach up, my arms reaching to put it on top of the mirrors (it's the kind of mirrors that have shelves behind them, so they come out from the wall). I hope to god that nobody will find it up there. 

After cleaning up, I exit the bathroom and go into my room, where I flop down onto the bed. I glance at my clock, which reads 7:44pm. Lots of time to kill. I pull out my laptop (which I bought for myself last year), and start scrolling through tumblr. After a while, Eren walks into my room and lays beside me. 

"Watcha doing?" He asks, peering at my computer screen.

I smile. "Just scrolling through tumblr. I already finished my homework." I reply.

"Mmh." Eren says, transfixed by a gif of a cute dog. I smile slightly, looking at him. He's such a dork. "Hey Armin?" Eren asks, moving his gaze from my computer up to me.

"Yeah?" I reply, looking back at him.

"Are you sure you're doing alright? I mean, I know I asked before, but it really seems like something's wrong, and I want to help that if I can. You mean so much to me, and I really want you to be happy." He says looking right into my eyes. I can feel my throat going dry, the blood draining out of my face. I don't want to tell him, I really don't. I need him to believe that I'm fine.

"Yeah, I-I'm doing great! I've never been better!" I chuckle nervously, rubbing the back of my neck. "I'm really doing fine, Eren. Please don't worry about me." I continue, forcing a smile. 

"Armin," He says softly, gently grasping one of my hands, "please tell me what's wrong."

I swallow hard. I can't keep up this up, he's really not buying it. My breaths become shaky, and I can feel tears bubbling in the corners of my eyes. "I-I don't want to burden you any more than I already am." I manage to reply, trying my hardest to keep the tears in.

"Armin Arlert, you are anything but a burden. You are the kindest, most handsome, perfect boy I could ever imagine. I still can't believe how lucky I got with you. I will do anything and everything that I can to help you and to make you happy. Okay?" He says, keeping eye contact with me the whole time. 

I nod in reply, a few tears finally slipping onto my cheeks. I wrap him in a hug and whisper, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." over and over again, hot tears spilling from my eyes and staining his shirt.

"What are you sorry for?" He asks gently. In response, I sob into his shoulder, shuddering, and take one hand and put it over where I'd cut. He got the message. 

"Oh, Armin, sweetheart." He said sadly. I kept sobbing into him. This week really wasn't going my way, was it?

Eren pulled away from the hug, and I sniffled and wiped my eyes. He grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it up, until all of the gauze was uncovered. He carefully peeled off the tape that stuck it to my skin, and pulled the gauze off after. I looked away, not wanting to see his reaction, but I found my face being turned back toward him, his hands cupping my too-round face. 

And then he kissed me.

It brought me back to that hospital room, just a few months before, where we shared our first kiss. I was hardly coherent and he was an emotional wreck, but I'll always remember that as a happy moment. Maybe that's why this kiss just felt so sweet. 

a/n: I know, I know, it's a sad chapter with a sappy ending, but that's my specialty. anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed! also, over 1.1k views! that's so insane. alright, I love you guys, stay safe!