Creating Me - Eremin

Chapter 6

a/n: thank you guys for over 200 views! that's insane! anyway, I hope you guys enjoy the chapter. love you! (by the way, I just published this and my wattpad kind of freaked out, and it still says that it was updated July 10th, but I just published this and it's July 17th, just fyi)

trigger warnings: bullying, suicide

It's been about two months since Eren started at my school, and since then, things have started to get better. I'm getting bullied less, although I still get beat up around once a week, but that's an improvement from every day, right? I've also grown quite close with Eren's sister, Mikasa. Although quiet, she's very nice and intelligent, and it's very nice to talk what Eren calls "smart shit," with her.

But if I'm honest, none of those things are where my attention is focused. Most of my thoughts revolve around one thing, or person, rather: Eren. My feelings for him have grown far beyond being friends. I doubt he feels the same way. He's probably straight, anyways, I think to myself. I don't stand a chance with him.

He's so perfect and beautiful and strong and amazing, and, well, I'm me. I'm the broken toy that gets tossed around and stepped on by the big kids until a smaller fish comes and picks me up to play. I'm useless. I'm secondary-not even, I'm less. And even though I'm completely infatuated with Eren, I'm just waiting for him to toss me aside like everyone else.

I'm sitting in the library, alone. It's not like it's uncommon, and I sort of prefer it to going home. At home, I'm always on edge, waiting to see if grandfather comes home early. He never does, but that doesn't stop me from being scared. In the library, it's quiet, and, for the most part, I don't have to worry about people finding me, until the teachers check the building and usher everyone out. Today is not my lucky day. Of course. Because I'm me, with my luck, Levi walks into the library. Of all the people in this goddamn school, it has to be Levi.

"Well, well, well, look what we have here." He says, strutting up to me. I take a shaky breath inwards and set down my book.

"Hello, Levi." I say, doing everything in my power not to stutter.

"I think it's time you got a proper pounding. It's been a while, hasn't it?" he replies, stopping just in front of me. "Ever since your little boyfriend started at this school, you've gotten off easy. But he's not here now, is he? So I figure, I can smash ya' just like the good old days, right?"

I don't respond, I simply stare at him, making an effort to keep a pokerface.

"Oh, so now you're not gonna talk? Alright then, I'll just start." Levi hisses. You know how the rest goes, he punches, kicks me, etc., and 20 minutes later, he exits the library, and I'm a sobbing wreck lying on the floor.

After a minute or two, I'm able to control myself enough to crawl over to where my phone fell out of pocket, and call Eren.

"Hello?" The familiar voice answers.

"H-hey." I respond.

"Armin? What's wrong?"

"C-could you p-please come by the school l-library, if it isn't too much trouble?" I say, chocking back sobs.

"I'll be right there. Stay on the phone, ok? Tell me what happened." He replies. I explain the situation as best as I can without bursting into tears, and after an agonizingly long five minutes of him assuring me that everything is going to be alright, he opens the library door.

"Armin, oh my god." He says, rushing over to the corner where I've dragged myself. He crouches down and envelopes me in a hug, at which point I sob uncontrollably into his sweatshirt. After a few minutes, he picks me up and carries me, bridal style, outside.

When we reach his house, he sets me down on his porch. "Do you want to stay over here?" He asks me tenderly. I sniff and wipe my eyes.

"I-I think it might be best if I just go to my house." I respond, slowly standing up.

"Are you sure? Can you even walk over there?" He says, clearly distressed.

"I'm sure. And yes, I can walk over there. Don't worry about me." I reply, wobbling over to him and giving him a hug. "Thank you." I say, the words muffled by his sweatshirt. "You're the best. You really are."

At this he just squeezes me tighter, his breath ruffling my hair.

"You don't deserve any of this." He whispers to me. "Don't forget that, okay?" He says as he pulls away from the hug. I nod in response, not believing his words.

After a short but grueling walk home, I'm laying on my bed, trying to ignore my aching limbs, but instead end up thinking. I think about life, death, how crappy my life is, and I come to a conclusion: death would be better than my life. So, I start to write. I write notes to the people I care about (Eren, Mikasa), and people that need to know (my grandfather). After I finish, the notes all in little envelopes with people's names on them, I take the advice that has been screamed at me, whispered in my ear, and beaten into me for years. Kill yourself, a million voices hiss, leading me out of my room, downstairs, and into a cupboard, where I find a bottle of pills. These will do, I think to myself, bringing them up to my room, where I swallow as many as I possibly can, before I fall into a sleep from which I hope to never wake.

a/n: hey guys! sorry I haven't updated in like a week! I've been preparing for the gymnastics national championship, which is where I am now. this chapter was written completely on my phone, so please excuse and spelling mistakes you may find. I hope you guys are doing awesome! love you all!