As Long As It Takes

May We Meet Again

"Dear Lexa
There had been a lot of things going on inside my head. Questionable things that I can't seem to answer. And part of it was you. You came into my life as simple as a snap of a finger. I never knew or expected, you'll be that... (Hard for me to even admit)... Important. More than I thought you could be. I wanted to understand what is really happening. With you. With me. Us. And the more I thought about it the more my head started to pound achingly. And the more I feel the ache the more I want to stop thinking about it. Because hell who knows what we've gone through. The pain that we've been through.

I want you to know that I am incredibly sorry for leaving without a word. I just want to clear my head for a while. I want to understand and adjust with this sudden rush of reality. I want... No... I NEED to know where will this lead me. Where will this lead US.

They said that you were my best friend. But why does it feel like it was more than that? When I found out that the person that I was distinctly ogling about in that hospital room was my best friend. I got excited. I felt happy. Over the moon, if I say so myself.

But why? Why every time you dragged me to places and talk about our time together, I felt this strong feelings fluttering inside my stomach. I can't ponder hard enough because it was giving me a migraine most of the time. Then I thought to myself, maybe my memories were coming back. I tried to jog my memories. I've submerged myself with pictures, videos and I went back to places we've been to. But none of it rings a bell.

Every time I look at you, I have this sense of vulnerability. A sense of familiarity and security. That nothing else matters but you. I cried almost every night praying and hoping that everything would come back to me. Until that night at the playground...

I knew I should have told you about the internship. I was about to tell you until you got your green eyes staring at me. And with your hands around my neck. I just can't think straight.

I never wanted to go in the first place. I never wanted to leave Capitol. I never wanted to leave Anya, Octavia and Raven. I most DEFINITELY don't want to leave you. But what happened that night... It changes everything.

You were staring at me and I thought to myself is this really happening right now? What if we were more than best friends before? What if nobody knew about it but us? That maybe you weren't talking about it because you were afraid of what I might think about you. Or about our friendship. Or that I might reject the truth.

I couldn't hold of myself, my head was pounding in pain. I tried to grip for my dear life as I watch myself being taken away from my body. I watched myself being inside that classroom thoughtlessly staring at your big fuzzy head. Or the moment when you turned around from your seat and looked at me questioningly with those alluring green eyes. Or when I felt this stressing feeling at the pit of my stomach, watching you biked away from me and never looking back even once. Or when our lips momentarily touched from, what it seems to me, a truth or dare game.

Everything came crushing down and the more I felt the pain physically. The more I felt afraid. Afraid to tell you. Afraid of even accepting or admitting to myself that it was real. I wanted to tell you badly. But remembering myself sitting by the patio steps below the balcony, listening to words that I just want to deny that ever came true. Words that made me sick to my stomach. Words that Costia uttered.

I gave in. I found myself running away. Just like how I ran away and ended up here in New York.

I was afraid the changes that it may lead us. The people that we might eventually hurt. I never wanted anyone to get hurt because me. Or because of the accident. Or being together.

I needed time to think. I need space... (And no I don't want to be an astronaut or go to space).

I want to fully understand that what I feel was true. That it wasn't just some post amnesia symptoms. I want myself to be ready facing you, our friends and even my mom. I can't look at their faces with pain, sadness and sympathy anymore.

I just need time.

I want you to know, that you're not alone in this. I will come back but I don't know when just yet. But when I do I will not waste anymore time. I hope that you will find in your heart to understand. I hope you will wait for me. I know it may sound selfish but I will not hold you back with people or things that will make you happy. I need you to live your life. I need you to be happy with the decisions that you're making. I need you to accept and be happy with the people entering your world. Accept them, trust them and love them. I need you to do this for me. And I will do the same.

And please don't think that I did this because I don't care. I do care, Lexa, but I made this choice with head and not my heart.

I will always be your best friend. Nothing has changed in that. And I will not change that no matter what happened to us.

May we meet again.
Yours sincerely,
Clarke"