Goodbye. {Shawn Mendes Fanfic}

Battle scars

These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't never gonna change

I was currently sitting on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out. Loving him wasn't a mistake but thinking that he loved me was a mistake. To him I'm just another girl. I don't want to let go of Shawn, he was the only one that kept me going this past month. And the month that we've been together was the best month I've ever had, he's the only person who has ever made me really smile.

Life would be so much easier if I couldn't feel.

I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love. I wish that I could stop cause it hurts so much.

I need him but he doesn't need me. It hurts how he made me feel so special yesterday and so unwanted today. So many people have left me, I don't know why I thought Shawn wouldn't leave me.

My phone lit up from an instagram notification.

Shawn Mendes has posted a photo

I pressed the notification and instantly regretted it. It was a picture of Shawn and Savannah kissing. Her legs were wrapped around his waist as he held her up, his arms were wrapped around her torso while her hands were lost in his hair.

Maybe I'm scared because you mean more to me than any other person. You are everything I think about, you're everything I need and you're everything I've ever wanted. I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. And I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn't love myself. If I were to hurt you in anyway I don't think I would ever be able to forgive myself. I love you.

Reading this made me cry harder than I already was. He never really loved me, I just had this crazy feeling that he did. He made me feel like I was just a kid in love. After having at breakdown I decided it would be best if I just fell asleep.

As I tried to sleep I couldn't help but think about Shawn. I smiled at all the good memories we shared and cried over all the horrible memories we have together. He's all I'm thinking about.

I never planned on falling in love with Shawn, I never planned any of this. I'm at war with love. I feel so stupid, I should've know that there was never going to be an us. I wish I could stop loving him but it feels nearly impossible. He's given me so much in the short amount of time we spent loving each other. But I know that I can't go back to this, to him, to what we use to have. It would only make things worse if we brought it back. He promised me I would never be alone but anytime I needed him he was never actually there. All the signs said I should've forgot him but he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Being with Shawn made me feel alive, we did things I've never thought I would do. We went on random road trips together without letting our parents know where we were.

Shawn managed to fix the broken and damaged me in less than a month. After fixing me he broke me again, it's like I didn't matter to him anymore.

***

It was almost 2:00 in the afternoon when I finally woke up, I was up all night crying over Shawn. He left me weak and vulnerable. I decided to take a shower and listen to music. A few songs passed before Ed Sheeran's song Kiss Me came on and I started bawling my eyes out.

"Lie down with me
And hold me in your arms
And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet
And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
You wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love
Falling in love
We're falling in love"

I sang along with Ed Sheeran's song and cried while doing so, this song reminded me of Shawn. Not just because Ed Sheeran was his favorite artist but because we use to listen to this song a lot when we were with each other. 

After my shower I decided to go downstairs and grab a water just as I was heading back upstairs the doorbell rang. I sighed before walking to the door. I opened the door to see Shawn. Once I saw his face I tried closing the door but his hand stopped me from closing the door. "What do you want?" I ask harshly, not really caring about what he had to say. He grabs my hands and I instantly pulled away. "Don't touch me." I say with tears threatening to fall, my eyes were burning and red from all the crying I just want to stop crying. "I'm sorry just let me explain." Shawn says looking me in the eyes.

"What is there to explain? You don't love me and you never will, I already understand that. There are girls out there way more prettier than me, I get it. I'll never be enough for the Shawn Mendes, so gone ahead and live your life. You don't need me." I say and start to walk away. Shawn grabbed my wrist and I stood still hoping he would let go. "Savannah means nothing to me. Okay?" He asks and I pulled my hand away. "Fuck you Shawn!" I yell at him letting a tear slip from my eyes. "If you being with Savannah means nothing to you the why are you two dating? Why did you write about how much you love her in your instagram caption? I thought you loved me but I was wrong." I cried letting out all my anger towards him. He just stood there speechless. "Just leave me alone. I never want to see your face again." I say waiting for Shawn to walk out of the house. "Santana I love you." Shawn's eyes were filled with tears. 

"I'm done with you Shawn. I should've known not to fall in love with you but I was stupid and desperate for love." I said looking Shawn in the eyes. "What are you saying?" He asked. He knows exactly what I'm saying he just wants clarification. "I'm saying go away." I say looking him in the eyes. "Are you sure that's what you want?" He asks and I nod. "It's exactly what I want." I say and Shawn looked so sad at that very moment. He walks towards the door before looking back at me once more.

"I guess this is our goodbye." He says looking me in the eyes for a split second before looking back down at the ground. "I guess it is." I say and Shawn walked out the door.