Falling For You (A Seventeen Joshua fanfic)

6

I'm face palming myself so hard.. I shouldn't have said it. It will make things even more awkward. I look at Joshua but he looks lost for some reason.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said it." I bite my lip until it hurts and stare at the ceiling. I want to run away to be honest.

"Why didn't you tell me while I was still in LA?" His voice softer than usual. "Well, you were with Valerie and you seemed happy so I didn't want to get between you guys. Although Valerie was a bitch. And I'm not sorry for saying that." Joshua nods his head slowly and makes an 'o' shape with his mouth. The thought of Valerie makes me want to puke. She is the typical popular girl who likes to party and be bitchy to everyone. But I didn't care when she was trying to make fun of me, so that's why she stopped teasing me and moved on to another person.

"Now tell me, why were you so different the last couple of months you were in LA." Apparently it's quite a sensitive object, since Joshua suddenly has this grim expression on his face. I'm really starting to get annoyed. I wonder why he won't answer me.. Until he finally speaks up.

"It's because I didn't know what to do.. My mind was getting messed up because of my fe- because of something. I just had to leave. I had been thinking about that, and that's probably why I was so different."

"Because of something? And that something might be?" I can't stand him being all mysterious and stuff. I just want to know it.

"Uh.. That something is my feelings. My feelings for Valerie.." He stops for a second and takes a deep breath. ".. And my feelings for you." He says it very quietly but it rings through my ears very clear. I can't believe it, he had feelings for me? Why was he with Valerie though..

"S-so you had feelings for me?" For some strange reason, the only thing I want to hear is a yes, as if I want him to admit he had.. no has feelings for me. He slowly nods his head and I begin to smile.

Why? Why am I so happy about it? I'm not in love with him.. I turn to look at him and something inside of me knows I'm lying. But I just don't want to admit it. I don't want to admit I have feelings for Joshua.

"A-are those feelings gone now?" I fiddle with my fingers and keep licking my lips, it's my habit whenever I'm nervous. He looks at me, probably considering whether he does or not and his expression grows cold. "Yes. They're gone."

And right then I know I do love him, I still love him. Because his answer hurts me so much. It feels as if my heart stopped beating. I'm unable to breathe and I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I look at the ceiling, trying to keep the tears inside. Joshua looks at how I'm trying to hold my tears back.

I don't him to know that I still like him.. But I'm not even sure if I really do like him. I don't even want to be in a relationship right now and I'm going to debut soon. I can't let a scandal ruin my career..

"H-hey, Jiyeon? Why are you crying? Please don't cry." I turn to look at him, trying not to look hurt or weak. "I'm not crying." But who am I even kidding. He knows when I'm about to cry and it's so obvious. He makes this 'Ow don't even' face and I look away. I don't want him to know that I still 'like' him.

"You know you're fooling yourself." He stands up and sits in front of me. "Look, I care about you. I still do. So tell me what's going on and why are you on the verge of crying." It isn't helping. I'm always like that, if someone asks me why I'm feeling down I end up crying real hard. So Joshua please don't do this..

"It's nothing, don't worry about it." I look at my own fiddling hands. Trying to avoid eye contact with him. But Joshua is not the type to easily give up.

"I'm worrying about it so just tell me." He puts his hand on my shoulder and tries to look me in the eyes. "Please.. tell me." This always breaks my wall. A single tear rolls down my cheek, followed by another one.. and another one. I keep sniffling and sobbing.

"Oh Jiyeon.." His voice is full of sympathy. He tries to calm me down by patting my on my head and stroking my hear. But it isn't helping. My sobbing just grows louder. Him patting and stroking my hair is giving me hope he has feelings for me, but he doesn't. He said so.

"Jiyeon, don't cry." I feel him coming closer. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer to him. He keeps stroking my back and he keeps shushing me. My heart is fluttering.. His soothing heart beat and the warmth of his body is calming me down a little.

We stay like that for almost 10 minutes. I'm still crying but they're silent. Joshua is still stroking my back in a circle motion and he's humming a sweet melody, it's one of the songs he wrote himself. He was so proud of it that he showed it to Caleb and I.

Ironically enough the song is about a guy who is in love with a girl, but she doesn't know his feelings. In the end the girl is in a relationship and he is too late to show her what he feels. And this song somewhat gives me the feeling I have to show Joshua what I feel, but my company's rules are holding me back. I can't ruin Joshua's career nor my career.

I'll have to end my feelings for him. I'm goingto have to avoid him from now on. 

No matter how hard it will be.

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Thanks for reading! I love you all and I hope you're liking it so far ♥