To Break Walls

Chapter 10 Elsa's POV

Ah.  I'm tired.  I went to sleep at 1:30 last night, and I had to get up at 6 for college classes.  Why I decided to take summer classes I have no idea.  I'm still in high school, but I'm just getting some college classes out of the way.  Ah.  Still have to read Herman Melville...

QOTD:  What's your favorite story?  I'm not quite sure what mine is.  I have too many.

* * * * * * *

When I awoke the next day, I was warm. I mean, almost hot, like I was baking out in a summer day. I opened my eyes lazily. All I could see was brown. My fingers stretched against a soft fabric and I continued to look through bleary eyes till I comprehended what I was seeing.

My head on Jack's shirt, his chest. My fingers curling up against the fabric. I was acutely aware of my feet pressed up against his, his fingers in my hair. I laid there, frozen. I had to keep my head. As much as I should be freaking out, I wasn't alarmed. Just overly cautious.

A sickening thought hit me. Jack didn't sleep. He was awake right now. Had been the whole night.

I tried to even out my breathing and closed my eyes. I tried to reason this out. What would I say? I mentally cringed as I thought of last night. I had foolishly let my emotions control me, and eventually they crippled me. I had broken down. It was a wonder that he was still here, I was an absolute mess. I resolved to get better. I would never let anyone see me cry again.

I wouldn't mention last night. And if he brought it up, well then I would vaguely dismiss it. I wasn't a scared little girl anymore. I had to deal with this like an adult.

I opened my eyes and stirred, just enough to let him know I was awake.

"Are you awake?" he whispered. His hand smoothed my hair and I took a deep breath before sitting up. I scooted away from him, putting a little bit of space.

His hand slipped from my hair and he watched me cautiously, as though fearful that I would break down again.

"Good morning."

"Good morning," I answered, my voice crisp and even. I looked at him for a moment and then hopped out of bed. My feet padded against the cool ice and I quietly slipped on a pair of shoes. Jack didn't move, just continued lounging on the bed.

I walked out of the room into another room. The remainder of bread and canned food sat on the table. I tore a piece of stale bread off and ate it. It hit my empty stomach with a thud.

"How are you feeling?" Jack asked from the door, caution in his voice. I looked at him. His expression was concerned, yet guarded.

"I'm fine," I answered coolly, yet not harshly. He nodded. I sat down and continued eating, avoiding his gaze. He sat down beside me.

"Look," he began, "about last night. . ."

"No, please don't, Jack. I need to apologize."

His eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"Elsa, you don't need to apologize for anything. I- I went too far. I shouldn't have pushed you."

I winced. "No, it wasn't you. It was me, I'm not- I'm dangerous."

The words just slipped out of my mouth. I was so used to that being my reason for pushing everyone away. I realized too late that they held no relevance to our conversation.

"You're not dangerous! What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing," I said, my mouth going dry. "What I meant to say, is that last night was completely uncalled for. I'm honestly not sure what came over me, why I acted the way I did. I'm sorry I had to put you in that position. It won't happen again."

"Elsa," he said miserably.

"I don't want you to have to feel obliged to stay," I continued, walking out onto the balcony. "I understand completely if you do leave. I'm just sorry that I've done this."

"What are you talking about?" he demanded, anger coloring his tone. It surprised me to hear it; I'd never imagined that Jack's voice and anger could be compatible.

"Do you want me to leave? If that's the case then I refuse. I'll do whatever I can to make this right, but don't make me leave. You're the only person I've ever been able to talk to. The first person. I can't leave. And you think that I minded being in that position? I didn't mind at all! The only thing bad about it for me is that you were unhappy! Otherwise I-"

He broke off angrily and cursed. I felt myself pale and I shook my head.

"I didn't mean that I wanted you to leave, I just thought that you might want to," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Why would I want to? Honestly, Elsa, did you really believe that I could ever leave?" he asked, his voice still frustrated. I opened my mouth to reply but no answer came out.

He muttered something and put his head in his hands, turning away. This hadn't gone the way I wanted it at all to. I hadn't thought that he'd react like this. I had lost control over it. So much for my plan on being vague and dismissive.

"I don't know what I thought," I told him truthfully. "I'm just used to everyone leaving."

"No, you're not," he replied angrily. He turned back to me and his blue eyes flashed. "You're just used to pushing everyone away. I don't know why. I wish you would tell me. But I don't want you to push me away! Last night, you didn't push me away. And that scared you! You don't know how to do anything else! Just let me in, Elsa. I'm not running."

"I don't know how to," I whispered. "I'm scared."

The ice all around me starting cracking, turning darker.

Jack looked around and then suddenly seemed to deflate.

"You don't have to be scared," he said, coming closer. He brushed a hair out of my eyes and tucked it behind my ear. Then he stepped away and turned around.

"Just come talk to me when you're ready."

I didn't respond, but left him there, looking at the mountains.

I walked slowly downstairs, my hands running against the railing of the icy staircase. My first instinct was to panic. I was afraid. Afraid of losing Jack, the first friend I'd had in forever, but more afraid to let him in. Afraid to let him see. My whole life I'd been trained to keep everything in. All I knew was how to conceal, to put everyone in the dark. Letting people in, opening up the gates? That was completely foreign to me.

I sighed. It didn't have to be this complicated. It only was because I was making it complicated. I wanted to tell Jack everything. I needed to. But I was still the scared little girl.

No. I was an adult, a woman fully capable of dealing with this. I may have not been the Queen of Arendelle anymore, but I was the ruler over my past. Was I going to let it ruin this for me? I couldn't. I would not allow it to.

Before I could change my mind, I walked hastily up the stairs, picking up the train of my dress to speed me up. I swallowed hard. I couldn't worry about what Jack was going to say. I had to tell him about this.

I got upstairs and he was right where I had left him, leaning against the railing, looking at the North Mountains.

"Jack?" I said, my voice sounding strangled.

He turned around and came towards me. A mild concern pooled in his eyes.

"Yes?"

I looked into his brilliant blue eyes and took a deep breath.

"Let's talk."