Dear Nobody

Nine : Her Biggest Regret

This specific chapter is dedicated to my single and ready to mingle best friend, LouJacks. Yup, go date her people.

Chapter Nine : Her Biggest Regret

The next day, I had a terrible headache from hangover. Taking some pills, I got ready to go to uni. The session was boring and too tensed, and the worst is the fact that I got my mind to something else. I kept thinking about what Karen said, which haven't leave my mind for weeks now.

Maybe he is a player. And maybe I'm just one of his toy that he'll play around until he's bored. I'm perplexed on why did I need to have feelings with someone like him, why can't I have feelings with someone more safe, like my past dates. They are usually medicine majored student, gentlemen and most likely to be loyal yet I have no intentions on doing a relationship more than friends. Why did I need to fell for someone that is a total wild card in life ?

What Karen told me is the best option, since she was my bestfriend, of course she could be trusted. She's a lot wiser than I am and maybe I'm just too blinded with his charm. I knew what I picked is the best choice of all choices I had so I need to get away with it. Just straight, no turning back.

With that I made up my mind. I decided that I can't be with him. I need to move on from him, to get away from the possibilities of my heart getting broken. I ignore his calls, then I didn't answer his messages. When he asked me out for lunch I told him that I'm not hungry. When he asked me out on a date I told him I have tests tomorrow. If I actually went on a date with him, I ignore him, leaving us in an uncomfortable silence. He tried to speak to me while I answer him with one word. Just like that.

It's not easy to act like that when you actually had a feeling for the person you're ignoring. I feel bad everytime he smiled at me, because I didn't smile back. Everytime he called me, I'd never answer him like I used to. To hold myself to act like I was a bitch so he'll eventually leave me is hard when all I want is him to take care of me, to kiss me, to hug me, to take me on dates, to be my one and only.

I began to cry everynight after study. I locked myself in my room, acting like I was a hermit until reality hits me that I missed him, and I cried until I fell a sleep or I usually take some of the beers from the fridge. Guilty, pathetic, lonely and a bitch is what I am right now.

As with Karen, everything was surprisingly fine. We began to talk after four days but not as frequent as before because I avoid her most of the time. Call me self-centered but a piece of my heart blame her for knocking some sense into my brain about Aiden. I know I shouldn't but I did. She tried to talk to me but usually I answer her when I needed to only.

Al has been joining us at lunch lately, trying to take me out from my shell but it's useless. There are too many feelings I have right now, and talking about how handsome Cameron Dallas or how manipulating Mrs. McNally is or how great is the new Rachel Patten's song is not making them go away, it actually made it worst.

Locking myself makes me feel better. It's like I have no worries about getting someone else hurt by me, and it's easier for me to deal with this pretending bullshit I'm doing with Aiden. I didn't need to worry about breaking down in front of people, or tell people unnecessary things, or confide people with my pathetic story. Yep, locking myself out and leaving Aiden is my choice that I chose, and I hope I can stick with it.

***

"Just forgive her, J" I put my book down and narrowed my eyes at Al. We're in the library, since I need to study for upcoming test, whilst Al here trying to persuade me into something. Like usual.

"I've forgiven her," I said quickly before I read my book again. She ran her hand through her hair in stress before she sighed.

"Really ? You forgave her ?" she asked unsurely. I nodded at her without making any eye contact.