We don't want to label it

XXXIX

"Okay." she says calmly, as if he's just said it's sunny out, or what a nice clock you have, can Edlyn tell the time yet? "So what if it was?"
"I don't..."  Eddy pauses because if he's not careful he'll hyperventilate and that's the last thing anybody needs right now. All the thoughts he's pressed down for days are loose now, swirling, showing themselves one by one, never to be contained again.
Twoset. It's all he's ever wanted, really, all he believes in now. 
He could lose it. 
Brett. 
He could lose him. 
He could, right? 
"I can't see him the same anymore." he admits hoarsely. "We just... we've always been effortless and suddenly I'm noticing him. How kind his eyes are. How cute the little hairs are that grow on his belly. How firm he is, how easy to hold. How it keeps me safe."
He's avoided her eyes but he sees the little smile in the periphery anyway. 
"You're falling for him." she shrugs in her discussing-the-weather-tone. 

Four words, for easy words but put them together and they have the power to crumble the world. 
"I can't fall for him." he breathes as the waves of anxiety he's held at bay this whole time flow over him and threaten to consume him. His breath is speeding up and he knows he's about five centimetres away from a panic attack. 
"Why?" Her hand moves onto his thigh and squeezes gently. 
"Don't you see?" he wheezes. "It just... he's my life. Together. It's always us. If I... fuck that up... I'll..."
"Or not." she says drily. "I mean... what if you don't fuck it up? To be honest when we were teens I thought you were a couple."
"You did?"
"Yeah. But then... well, you got a girl, he got a girl. I've seen you guys snog more times than I can count. So yeah, the no label thing?"
"No label." he whispers. "But I guess we had defined lines."
"And you crossed those?"
"And then some."
She nods and squeezes his thigh again. Some sunlight is starting to fall in through the window now and dust motes twirl lazily in the golden rays. Dust motes surely don't have to worry about any of this shit. Ah, to be a dust mote in a ray of sunshine. Eddy drags his eyes away and watches his friend for the first time since he's walked in. Her straight black hair is on her head in a messy bun, her smile is kind, her usual sarcastic humour nowhere to be found in her dark brown eyes. 
"Is there any way back from this?" she asks. She should have been a singer, maybe, her voice is so sweet, like drops of dew on honeysuckle, but his heart skips another beat. 
"I really don't know." he whispers.

Could he go back to just being his bro? Could he forget about the hairs, about rugged silk, about something to hold on to? Could he forget all these feelings he's now dragged into the light, swirling around in the sunlight with the dust motes? 
"I really don't know."  
"Are you going to talk to him?"
"I can't, Lily." he says vehemently. "Don't you see what I stand to lose? Maybe..."
He trails off and puts his hand on her much smaller one. It's soft. Silky. Girls are silky smooth. They aren't rugged. 
"Maybe I need to admire him from afar." he whispers. "Just for a while. Maybe it'll pass."
"Maybe it won't."
"Yeah, but maybe then I'll have an idea what the fuck to do."
She giggles again as a sound comes from the bedroom she shares with her daughter. 
"Ah, Edlyn's up. Wanna go say hello?"
"Yeah." He gets up, but just then she pulls his hand back. 
"Eddy? Just for the record... I don't mean to overstep, but I don't know if the difference of you two being... you know, 'together' is as big as you think."
"It is to us."
"Maybe it feels that way, I get that. But I know you pretty well. Just... food for thought. Okay?"
"Mummy!" Edlyn calls from the bedroom. "I'm awake!"
Eddy grins and starts in that direction. 
"Thanks, Lily. I feel a little better."
"Good."