Mixed Direction

Chapter Twenty- Nine: Destroyed

{Perrie's POV}

Here's my analogy that my relationships with other people are like the make up of the Earth. Each layer providing a different purpose to me, but all of them keeping me going in some way.

The crust is everyone else in the world who has supported me, those people who kept Little Mix going, gave me something to strive for. They never gave up, true fans. At the end of the day, if the inside of everything is messy, they make the outside look neat, look believable. The mantle are people like the lads, the girls, my brother, all those close people who support us through everything. They burn bright.

The outer core is what I would consider Ellie, Lillie and Rosie. So close to my heart that one slip and they would ruin me. If anything were to happen to them, I would be wrecked. And then my core is Zayn. Well, it was Zayn. The centre. Now, something so close is so far away. And nothing seems right, but at the same time, it all feels correct.

"Mummy," Ellie's voice breaks my trance. I look up from the table to where Ellie is standing in the opening, Duckie under her arm and the red knitted blanket tightly in her fist. "I cannot sleep," Ellie tells me, waddling over and standing next to my chair.

I push my chair back a little and pull her onto my lap, my left arm securely around her waist as she rests on my knee. I place a gentle kiss on the back of her head and then pick up my pen again in my free hand, continuing to fill out the forms for various things.

It's only eight o'clock and I put Ellie to bed about half an hour ago. I know it's Saturday, but after Ellie's birthday yesterday, and going to see Arlen today, Ellie and the twins were pretty worn out. Also, the others invited themselves over to watch the football, have dinner, drinks, and a child free evening.

"I miss Daddy," Ellie mumbles and that well known moment of guilt passes through my body.

"He's only been gone one day, and he'll be back soon," I reply, rubbing Ellie's tummy as a form of comfort. Ellie nods her head and then relaxes back into my chest, her head resting in the crook of my neck.

"Sing?" Ellie whispers.

"This is the start, of something beautiful. This is the start, of something new. You are the one, who'd make me lose it all. You are the start, of something new," I sing gently to Ellie.

I turn Ellie around in my lap and get up, walking into the lounge area with her on my hip, her face buried into my chest, slightly bouncing my step to soothe her.

"And I'll throw it all away, and watch you fall, into my arms again. And I'll throw it all away, watch you fall, now," the lyrics seem to catch onto what's going on at the moment.

"Settle down with me, cover me up, cuddle me in. Lie down with me, and hold me, in your arms," I change the song, my voice coming out slow and quietly as I hear Ellie's breathing getting deeper.

"And your hearts against my chest, lips pressed to my neck. I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet. And with a feeling I forget, I'm in love now," I stop walking and just stand looking out the window into the dark backyard, my eyes finding the black sky, coated in stars.

"In this time, I've lost all sense of pride, I've called a thousand times. If I hear your voice I'll be fine," I change the song again, rocking Ellie gently.

"And I, I can't come alive. I want the room to take me under, 'cause I can't help but wonder, what if I, had one more night for goodbye, if you're not here to turn the lights off I can't sleep, these four walls and me," the words tumble out of my mouth.

I hear a clink noise behind me and turn around to see Louis, Jesy, Jade, Jake, Liam, Danielle, Harry, Leigh, and Jordan Kiffin standing there.

"Sorry!" Jade whisper yells.