Mixed Direction

Chapter Three: I Can't...

{Jade's POV}

I look around the room, my head resting against Liam's shoulder as my body is sat on the comfortable couch in Perrie's room. I'm pretty sure Zayn slept here the past few nights. Louis has been looking after Perrie and Zayn's daughters over night and some hours during the day. Some think it's just a distraction from Eleanor, but I think it's that and because he just wants to help. 

And I found out that Niall and I are Rosie's Godparents, which is quite exciting. I'm going to make sure I do a good job at being her Godmother, because it is seriously quite a special and trusting postion. 

Trust. Something I don't even know exists anymore. I feel like I can forgive Harry. I know that seems stupid, but here me out, please...

Two days ago he admitted to the deed. I understand it was good of him for doing that, it has helped us all out. And of course I still love Harry! He's my husband. Talking about husband, we've only been married for five days and I don't want to have a failied marriage. But that doesn't mean I'm going to have councilling. What I want, is to be able to trust Harry. 

I love him, I care for him, I want to spend my life with him- but I want to be able to trust him. I feel like I cannot do that at the moment, and it will take time for me to trust him. 

I watch the door open and, speaking of the devil, Harry walks into the room, holding a brown paper bag. We all go silent and look at him as he just looks at us all back. I notice Leigh giving him a death glare, which is quite funny. Louis wont even look him in the eye. 

Harry opens the bag and I watch him pull out plastic containers. He hands a vanilla slice to Leigh- Anne, slice of cheesecake to Jesy, caramel slice to Liam, chocolate cake to Niall and a doughnut to Zayn.

Harry then places a piece of hedgehog slice on Louis' lap, and Louis looks at Harry and whispers 'thank you'. I feel a small smile tugging at my lips as Harry nods his head in response to Louis before he moves on. 

A watermelon lollypop goes to Ellie and Harry pulls out two little pots of pureed apple for the twins, handing them to Zayn with spoons. Finally Harry hands me a plastic container holding a piece of jelly slice. I give him a weak smile and he smiles back before stepping back. 

"Look," Harry mumbles as we all start our treats from him. "I know sorry doesn't cut what I did. I know I'm a total ass and feel free to say whatever you like, slap me, bruise my face," Harry adds and we all chuckle a little at Zayn's guilty look. "I don't care. I know I deserve it. I know things take time and I know what I've done is stupid. All I ever seem to do is be stupid. I'm sorry I hurt you all and I just hope one day you can forgive me." Harry apologises and we all nod our heads. 

"Uncle Harry," Ellie pipes up and we all look at her. "You're a butt!" Ellie tells him in all seriousness and we all crack up as Louis high fives her. Well we know how that came into Ellie's mind know.

"Yes Ellie, I am a butt." Harry replies to her and we all nod our heads in agreement. A big, ugly butt. "I am sorry." Harry apologises to her and Ellie just giggles. 

"It's otay," Ellie replies, still laughing to herself. "Everyone a butt. Some just have bigger cracks."

We all burst into laughter whilst Zayn looks at her horrified. "Ellie! No!" Zayn shakes his head at her and she cracks up, falling backwards and just laughing as the room goes silent, only Ellie's laughter present. 

"Harry," Louis stands up and walks over to him. Oh no! Please end well... "Look lad, I'm angry at you, obviously, but in this moment, I just need you to support us," Louis looks at everyone. "I don't want to be angry at you, I just want to be good with you mate, I can't trust you immediately, but I believe that things will get better, okay?" Louis asks him. Well that went better than expected. 

"I understand." Harry replies and Louis gives him a hug, followed by everyone else giving him a hug. I walk over to Harry and his green eyes look back into mine as I feel tears swelling in my own, but I need to do this, I need Harry to understand. 

I grab his left hand and my thumb runs across the cool metal of his wedding ring. Harry watches me intently and then I look up into his sorrowful eyes. "This means a lot more than what it looks like. This is built on trust and love. The love part is still bonded, but I need you to understand the trust part will take time." I say to Harry and he nods his head. 

"Okay." Harry nods his head, a small smile creeping onto his face. I give him a small smile and then walk over to the couch, sitting back down next to Liam and resting my head on his shoulder again. 

Suddenly the door flies open and Harry quickly jumps out of the way as Ella appears. Bloody hell woman! Cool your jets Doctor Horan! Ella apoligises to Harry and then turns back to us, holding a clipboard. 

"What's up?" Niall asks Ella and she takes a deep breath before looking at the clipboard and then us. "DId something good happen?" Niall asks with hope in his voice. 

"Testing results, after effects from the coma," Ella says and we all go silent, and once again not even breathing is heard. "Um," Ella mumbles, going serious. "There are no major after effects that seem to be present. No damaged brain cells or tendons that will effect mobility in any way," Ella informs us and we all let out the breaths we were holding in. 

"Well that's good, right?" Liam asks Ella, noticing the worried look upon her face. There's something more. I can tell. "Ella?" Liam questions and Ella looks down at the floor as she tells us the heart dropping news. 

"Perrie might have temporary or long term amnesia. We wont know until she wakes up." 

{Zayn's POV}

"Good night, Baba." I place a gentle kiss upon Ellie's forehead as she sleeps peacefully on the couch in the room. Lillie and Rosie are both asleep in their pram and look all snuggly and warm. 

I grab a chair and drag it up next to Perrie's bed, taking a seat in it and grabbing Perrie's freezing cold hand within my larger ones, trying to pass some of my body heat over to hers. I feel my arms shaking as the moonlight glistens down against her pale skin and the oxygen tube looks so scary sitting across her face. 

"Close the door, throw the key, don’t wanna be reminded, don’t wanna be seen. Don’t wanna be without you, my judgment's clouded; like tonight's sky," I whisper sing to Perrie. "Hands are silent, voice is numb, try to scream out my lungs, it makes this harder. And the tears stream down my face," I practically explain the current situation with the song lyrics. 

"If we could only have this life for one more day. If we could only turn back time," I sing out, my voice cracking. I just want to be able to turn back the time! I want to be able to stop that fucking car crash from happening. I shouldn't be Perrie in this bed. No one should be hurt. No one should be hurting. 

"Flashing lights in my mind, going back to the time. Playing games in the street, kicking balls with my feet. There’s a numb in my toes, standing close to the edge. There’s a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed. As I feel myself fall, make a joke of it all," I sing as I burst into tears and the words come out in stutters mixed with tears. 

"You know I’ll be, your life, your voice, your reason to be. My love, my heart is breathing for this moment, in time, I’ll find the words to say… Before you leave me today." I cry, only just managing to get the words out as I look at Perrie, my vision blurred and my heart shattered. "Don't leave me. Don't leave us. Please." I cry to her and then hear someone let out a deep breath. 

My vision changes to the door and I see Louis, Liam, Niall, Harry, Jade, Jesy and Leigh- Anne all crowded there, just watching as their own tears fall down their faces. I look back at them with my own tears falling and then I stand up, throwing my hands to my sides. 

"I can't, I fucking cannot." I tell them and cuff my fists. All of them look at me, pain and distress filling their eyes. I cannot do this anymore. I've tried to be brave, I've tried to keep strong. But I simply cannot. I need Perrie. I don't want her to be another star in the sky. Not until we can both be there together. 

I look back across at her, just lying there, unaware of the world. I mutter out my next words to her...

"I can't."