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CURSE, THE LAST POV.
The yacht rocked gently and it creaked against the rolling waves. Rain also lashed against me, parang hindi na ito kailanman tumila at kumalma pa. Lightning split the sky too, momentarily illuminating the vast emptiness around us. Gusto ko ngang matawa e, para kasing nakikisabay ito sa bagsik ng nararamdaman ko. And, while in a yacht surrounded by the water, the ocean that's usually a source of calm, now stretched out like an endless expanse of grey, mirroring the storm within me.
Why are we sudden in yacht? Well, matapos kasing malaman ni Radge ang tungkol sa buhay ko, natahimik na ang kotse. Wala nang nagsalita. Blanko na ang eskpresyon niya at kakaiba na ang kanyang pagiging tahimik. Gusto ko mang magpaliwanag sa kanya, hindi ko na magawa dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang kanyang nararamdaman. Ayoko siyang pangunahan at nag-iingat ako for his feelings. I can't bear added more pain to him, because it makes me hurt too. Regardless of it, while Brother Sin is driving, Radge is just facing the car window all hours. Hindi manlang siya napatingin sa akin or kahit manlang tanungin ako. Hindi ko alam kung pina-process niya pa ba ang nalaman or what. Hindi ko siya bigla nakilala. I don't know his perspective regarding what he just learned kaya nananatili akong tahimik na rin muna at hayaan siyang mag-isip.
I sighed.
Hanggang sa makarating kami sa dulo ng city, lumabas kami ng kotse at sumakay sa yate papunta sa isang maliit na island na pagmamay-ari namin, ng Lolo ko. We have a house there, though it's isolated, it's still safe and I'm sure, my parents and my Lolo are already waiting for us.
I gazed on my pulse where I got bitten.
Habang nasa dulo ng yate at sinasalo ang ulan, pinanood ko ang aking pulso na may marka nang pagkagat ng ngipin. I don't excatly know what emotions I should have felt first so I maintain my blank face. Blanko ang aking ekpresyon ngunit halo-halong emosyon at nararamdaman ang nagkakagulo sa loob ko.
"Ilang oras na 'yan?"
Hindi na ako lumingon pa nung may magtanong sa likuran ko, kilala ko naman na kasi kung kanino tinig 'yon. Nanatili kong pinanood ang aking pulso at pinakiramdaman kung ano ang maaring mangyari sa aking katawan ano mang oras.
"Long hours." I replied to Brother Sin.
"And, still, there's nothing wrong with you?"
*LOUD RUMBLE!*
A relentless thunder drummed above that mirrored the dull ache in my chest. It wasn't a sharp pain, but a heavy one, a constant pressure that squeezed the air from my lungs. It spread through my body, a cold hollowness seeping into my bones. Masakit sobra at magulo na ang nararamdaman ko. Purong sakit at halo-halong emosyon. Matinding pamimilipit galing sa utak, panghihina ng aking buto, unti-unting panlalabo ng paningin, pagkakaroon ng matining na pandinig, napakabigat na pakiramdam sa puso— lahat.
All of it, hurts so much. Parang pinagsanib pwersa sa akin lahat. The pain is unbearable. Kung sa ibang tao ipinasa itong sakit ko, siguradong nakahandusay na sila sa lapag dahil sa sakit. But since, I am me, I can still handle it a little bit longer. Did you know why? Dahil kahit parang binabalot na ng malalang karamdaman ang aking buong katawan, mas nangingibabaw pa rin ang sakit, pag-aalala at kabigatan ng aking dinadamdam para sa nag-iisang lalaki.
I sighed.
The rhythmic rocking of the yacht is a strange counterpoint to the storm in my heart. Also, tears pricked at my eyes, hot and unwelcome. But, I blinked them back, a fierce resolve hardening my jaw. I just thought that crying wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't bring back the laughter, the shared dreams, and the warmth of a hand in mine. All it would do is blur the already blurry world.
