Purposefully Accidental

Chapter Sixty-one

Hearing Dad apologize to me over and over again for something that was never his fault to begin with... it really breaks my heart. He thinks that he's failed me—just as I always feared he would. I don't know how many times I had to explain to him that marrying Freddie wasn't a hardship—he is, after all, one of my best friends—and that I didn't regret doing it, despite everything. It was my choice to marry him, to accept his help, and to help him in return. It didn't really wipe the frown from Dad's face, though, which made me feel like shit.

But I actually did tell them everything—even about hooking up with Jonah after the reunion. Mom was obviously shocked, while Dad shook his head at me—half in disappointment, half in amusement. There are still some things that they don't truly understand, and, honestly, I really get it. This is all a very bizarre situation. I might or might not have technically been a cheater. I also need to emphasize that Freddie technically did it first. Multiple times. But, you know, we gave each other permission, so you can't really say that it's cheating... right?

The flood of tears restarted after they found out about the not-miscarriage. It was really hard for me to recount everything to them, and I ended up crying along with them before I could even finish. I told them how I'm still trying to deal with all the mixed-up feelings. That I've been waking up in the middle of the night, drenched in cold sweat, trying not to cry too loud to wake them up. I promised them that I'd call Alice—my therapist. I haven't yet, even though I know I should've. But I will. I promise. It won't be a quick fix, I know, but talking my feelings out to her has always helped me especially in the past few years.

Now, I'm curled up on the couch, on Mom's lap, like a baby. Dad's patting my leg, his gaze faraway. I feel terrible for clearly hurting them, but also relieved that I've let go a little bit of this weight on my shoulders.

Mom's running her fingers through my hair, which only makes my eyes water even more. I lean into her touch, holding in another sob. I wish I was brave enough to be honest with them from the start so I wouldn't hurt them like this.

"I understand why you wanted to keep it from us. We might not have reacted accordingly, if you'd told us all of this then," Mom says. "But I wish you hadn't kept this to yourself for so long, Hannah."

"Yeah, I know," I reply. "I... always bottle things up. It's instinctive. But I know it's not healthy, and I'm really trying to unlearn that."

I look up to see Mom smiling sadly at me. "That's what you always do, ever since you were just a child. It's a failure on our part, to make you feel like you could never trust us with anything—"

"Mommy, no." I sit up to hug her. She sighs into my hair. "It's not... you. It's—my brain's just wired this way. You know I don't tell anybody anything."

"I'm just glad you're sharing this with us now. I can't imagine how hard this all has been for you. My baby," Mom says, her voice thick.

I hate knowing that I'm breaking her heart. Mom—and Dad—has had to deal with a lot of shit while we were younger, especially with Tony's troubled youth. She already told me that she felt guilty, that she felt like she had neglected us when they put all their attention to their eldest child—something that kept haunting her especially after we got into the car accident when I was young. But all of this only proves that they truly loved me, and all of my siblings, and that they only wanted to give us their best. Despite what she thought, I never once felt unloved by this family. Now all I need to do is make them understand that me keeping this all from them isn't a sign of my distrust of them—this is just the way that I am. And I'm truly trying to become better at sharing my feelings now—with my family, with Jonah, with people who matter.