A Little Bit of Sunshine

Chapter 15: Kara

I succeeded in holding it together until Lena was asleep in the middle of the bed, pillows lining the outside portion so she wouldn't roll off if she started to have a nightmare. Her confession at dinner had rattled me to the bone. Had her parents really taken away her toys? Taken them away so young in fact that her sense of imagination was completely shattered? I had watched her while preparing dinner, ideally stirring pasta sauce as she murmured quietly to herself. She had stared at the plastic fish for so long I was concerned maybe she wouldn't go any further than observing them, but then she had curled up on the rug and settled into some game in near silence. Her lips were moving so I knew she had some inner monologue going. I would have loved to know what she was thinking about, but it warmed my heart to simply observe some of the shell break away from the little girl.

Then I had accidentally broken her out of the safe bubble she had created unknowingly. At first, I was afraid she had hurt herself and was afraid to tell me, but there had been no scratches. No redness anywhere. Just fear etched into her eyes. I understand that it was fear of a mother that wasn't me, but it wasn't easy to stomach the fact it was directed at me. I was her Mommy. Mommies weren't always kind in her child-heart. Mommies were scary, demeaning, harsh.

I chewed at my lip as I stood in the open bedroom doorway, watching her sleep. She had gone down with a familiar fight, crying herself out until exhaustion won. Now, she was sprawled out, arms above her head and her long, raven hair braided in a single braid to keep it away from her face. The night shirt and matching pants were too big on her, like most of her sleep things, and the shirt had ridden up to expose her stomach and the top of her pull up. She looked innocent, face calm and peaceful. It was hard to think that girl held any stress or pain.

I yearned to reach out to Alex, to spill it out and ask for advice, but I couldn't betray Lena's trust. Alex only knew what she needed to know. She knew I mended things with Lee but not who she really was, but I had no idea what to do. I might have lost my parents when I was incredibly young, but I had been adopted right away by a loving family. I'd only ever known the pain of loss. The pain of betrayal and manipulation was not something I knew. At least, not in the capacity of a family member. My family couldn't care less as long as I was happy. When I came out as a lesbian, they hugged me. When I told them I wanted to be a journalist, they praised me, but also had spent years telling me that I could have wanted to flip burgers for the rest of my life and they would be just as proud of me.

Did Lena even want to do what she was doing? Had she always wanted to take over the family business? I knew from hours of shameless research that she had more degrees than should be possible for someone so young and yet, it would seem like she didn't actively use them for what one would assume. I could be wrong, and for Lena's sake, I hoped I was. All I wanted was for her to be happy. She deserved that much. Safety and happiness.

I made a note to reach out to one of my mommy friends, Siobhan, when I got back home Sunday. She had always been one to provide advice without prying, even when the subject matter was questionable. If anything, I simply needed someone to talk to about everything. There was no way I would let my own feelings about Lena's upbringing get in the way. She didn't deserve that. We would talk about it when the time came. For now, I was happy to be her safe space.

Lena rolled over in her sleep, pressing her face into her pillow. I had to fight the urge to move forward in case she woke up, but forced myself to lean against the doorframe instead. She was safe. No one was coming in to get her if I had anything to do with it. Not that I would be able to stop an intruder, but I could always try. 

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I woke to the soft sound of Lena murmuring the following morning. The windows had been reset, bathing the bedroom in early morning light. I itched to roll over and go back to sleep. Lena had woken up to another nightmare, but she had calmed much quicker than the time before, launching into my arms rather than away. The longest reset had been changing out her pajamas and the sheets. We were going to have to have a serious conversation about diapers verses pull ups at some point in the near future.