Silver Lining

twenty.

Five weeks have passed since Nathan and I shared the kiss that changed the dynamic between us. I'm more than aware that the kiss that swiftly led to me getting pregnant brought us together, but kissing him on that sofa five weeks ago has changed everything.

Instead of tiptoeing around because I feel like I don't belong and keeping my distance when I walk into a room, I now walk in with no doubt and greet him with a kiss if he's there. I feel way less isolated in general, but not only that, I'm happy. We spend almost every night together in my room and he holds me until I fall asleep, his hand protectively on my bump.

It doesn't take a genius to guess what his main love language is; originally I thought it was words of affirmation, but no, it's very much physical touch. He doesn't stop touching me, even when we're eating dinner, I find that our fingers graze unintentionally. I thought it would make me feel claustrophobic like it used to with Aiden, but it doesn't, it's quite the opposite, it comforts me, and it sends my heart soaring.

The way I'm so comfortable around him scares me, but I no longer allow my fears to control my happiness. I'm facing them head-on, which is why when Nathan turned to me this morning and said, "Mom is having the girls tonight, she's not seen them since Halloween, so I was wondering if you would like to go out for dinner with me? On a date, just to clarify." I didn't freak out, I didn't panic, I smiled when I replied, "I'd love to," and then kissed him.

We haven't had the conversation about what we are, nor do I think I'm ready to do so yet, but we're dating and as of tonight that will technically be true because this will be our first date. It's been a long time since I went out for dinner, so I'm looking forward to it, especially since it will be with Nathan.

I'm not sure what I'm wearing yet, I don't have a lot of options because buying new dresses wasn't a priority when I shopped for maternity clothes, so I will attempt to fit into something old. My bump is growing well, I'm not massive like I thought I would be at this point in pregnancy, but if someone were to look at me, I definitely look pregnant.

I'm still feeling flutter-like kicks from the babies, but I've noticed in the recent week that I'm feeling them more often and stronger than when I first felt baby B, three weeks ago. It still shocks me when they do, but I love the reminder that they're kicking away and healthy.

My twenty-week scan is a week away and together, Nathan and I have come to the conclusion that we're waiting until the little ones are born to find out their sex. It doesn't matter to me as long as we have two healthy babies, and he agreed that finding out when they're born will make it even more special. So, whether there are two boys, two girls or one of each in my belly right now, is beyond my knowledge until the day I push them out and am told so.

I simply can't wait for that moment, but until then I'm more than happy enjoying life without two newborns because they sure will be keeping me busy for the rest of my life once they are. I'll never understand the people who mention eighteen years of dedicating your life to a child because parenting never ends. To some it does, but it'll never be the case with my children.

"What has you so deep in thought that you haven't finished your toast?" Nathan asks, walking into the kitchen where I've been sitting for a while.

He kisses the top of my head before he puts the kettle on and I smile, "I was just thinking."

"That's dangerous; what about?"

"The twins and how we're almost halfway through this pregnancy," I pick up my last slice of toast to see that it is, in fact, cold, but I still take a large bite.

"Time is going so quickly, which won't be changing especially with the holidays coming up," he leans against the counter, looking over at me as he talks.