#Taejin - In My Silence

Chapter 12: How to Kiss a Man

Jungkook lit up his cigarette, inhaled it deeply, then puffed the smoke playfully. "What are we doing here, Tae?" Sighing, he actually questioned himself, why would he even agree to take this silly walk in the park with Taehyung right after work? "You've already wasted my love and now you are wasting my time." He teased him. "At least tell me that this is a date! You know, it would be nice if we walk hand in hand by the river, when the sun goes down and the birds sing..."

"Shut up, Kook! I need a company to think straight." With his back facing Jungkook who was sitting on a wooden bench nearby, Taehyung leaned on the metal fence and watched the river flow fast in front of him. The turmoil in his head hadn't yet resided.

Taehyung turned his body to face his friend, staring at him for seconds, before saying, "Give me one!" He reached out his hand, demanding.

"What? Cigarettes? I didn't know you smoked!"

"I don't. I just feel like it now." He was frustrated.

"Tsk! Don't waste my precious! Just puff this once or twice, then give it back to me!" He handed the already burned cigarette.

"Alright, Gollum!" Taehyung took it and inhaled it once. He sighed a moment later. "Here, burn your pitiful lungs some more!" He spat and gave Jungkook the cigarette back. "You can come to our hospital if you get cancer later. We have the best pulmonologists there and we love making money!"

"Excellent marketing, Tae!" Jungkook grinned. They went silent for another moment. "So, are you gonna tell me what's bothering you or not? I'm bored and I'm starting to grow some roots and leaves here! Soon enough, I'll bear some fruit and squirrels will make a nest in me!" He grumbled. "You have an obligation to at least entertain me with your stupid problems! Or should I just send you directly to a mental hospital?! You seem to fit enough there right now."

Taehyung ignored him and was still watching the river in silence. The mesmerizing water evoked a mix of emotions. He was gone in deep thought... Wondering how it felt to love someone for so long and knowing full well they will never be able to have the love of his life. To see them every day, but never being able to hold them. To keep all the love deeply hidden in their hearts, while listening to the other rambling about their one-night-stand adventures. To watch in the shadow and protect their loved one only in silence... To be in Seokjin's shoes...

Because that was the only thing he could ever do....

How much suffering had Seokjin experienced?

How much pain had Taehyung caused him?

Suddenly Taehyung remembered what Seokjin said at dinner back then. "We can't get everything we want in life, can we, Tae? Maybe it's time for me to give up. I've held on too long..." And he also remembered his own response... "If it hurts you so much, Hyung.... Then maybe it is time to give it up...".

Now, after knowing that all Seokjin wanted was him all along.......

Taehyung suddenly burst into tears, as if a heavy fog had descended upon him. He sobbed so hard and his body shook violently.

"Whoa whoa whoa....!!" Jungkook was panicking. He stood up and patted Taehyung's back who drooped down and clutched himself under the fence. "Hey there, Buddy, are you okay? Hey, hey... it's okay.... It's okay, Tae...! It's okay...." He whispered to soothe Taehyung down.

Too many emotions to process, and the thoughts come crashing in like waves, one after the other. He was angry and hurt... He felt regretful and sorry... But the most prominent thing he felt was sadness and pain... for Seokjin.

The weight of the pain and sadness was almost unbearable. Every breath Taehyung felt was like a struggle, and every moment felt like an eternity. His tears flowed freely and he couldn't seem to find any relief from the heaviness in his heart. His mind raced from one idea to another. He was restless.

...

It took quite a long time until Taehyung collected himself. The intense pain and distress still etched on his face. His shoulders were still shaking, his breathing was still ragged, and his sobs could still be heard.

After his tears ran dry and his emotions subsided, he then continued to watch the strong stream ahead without uttering a single word. The sound of the water flowing and the cold night wind finally calmed him down.

After a while, Jungkook asked carefully, "Do you wanna talk about it?" His remarks were unusually serious and empathetic.

Taehyung took a deep sigh but didn't answer. "How does it feel..." He asked hesitantly. "How does it feel to kiss a man?"

"Huh? Did I hear you right?"

"Do you need a hearing aid now?!" Taehyung scolded, back to his usual self. Jungkook giggled in relief.

"It's no different than kissing women, but I don't mind showing you myself! C'mere, Baby, I'll kiss you to your heart's content!"

Taehyung rolled his eyes. "Shut up and just kiss me!" He moved closer toward him.

Jungkook put his cigarette down, stood up, and made a yoga hand gesture. "Wait.. I'm gonna kiss you in a bit, but let me just enjoy this moment first, Tae! This lifelong dream finally comes true! I'm going to kiss Kim Taehyung!" He exclaimed loudly, closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply with a content smile.

Taehyung scoffed until Jungkook finished his stupid ritual, but he wasn't ready for his next action when Jungkook suddenly pecked his lips lightly. Seeing the stupefied man, Jungkook burst into a giggle. "Relax, Baby, it was just a peck. I didn't suck your soul, for God's sake!"

"Shut up!" Taehyung scolded. "And I'm not your baby!" He warned sternly.

"Awww, fierce!" Jungkook made a mocking grin. "Now it's the real deal, okay?" He tilted his head, gave Taehyung time to prepare, cradled his face with his hand, then started to kiss him.

A few seconds passed and Taehyung pulled himself off already. "Enough!" He mumbled and turned himself away, back to the river ahead.

"Are you okay, My Prince, or are you going to turn into a frog now?" That giggle behind him chimed again. "I haven't even shown you my French kiss skill."

"Shut up, Kook! I'm thinking!" He spatted.

"Okaaay, keep thinking, Descartes!" Jungkook raised his hands and sat back on the bench. He took his almost-finished cigarette and inhaled it one last time.

"Don't mention anything French in front of me!" Taehyung added angrily.

"Huh? Why?" Jungkook was puzzled. "Not even French fries??"

"Shut up, Kook!"

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Gollum = A character in Lord of The Rings movies who always says "my precious".

Pulmonologists = a physician who specializes in the respiratory system, including lung cancer.

Descartes = A French philosopher, most known for his philosophical statement, "I think, therefore I am".

French fries = Despite its name, the French fry is not French. The origins of the French fry have been traced back to Belgium, where historians claim potatoes were being fried in the late 1600s.

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