Fear.
Four letters.
Hundreds of thousand of different emotions. And all for what?
When I was a little girl, I would dread going to sleep. I couldn't decide whether I should stay awake to fight the monsters or should I close my eyes and pretend that I'm dead so they won't hurt me.
Who knows what's in the dark? Who knows what will happen in the middle of the night? When I'm alone in my room. Door unlocked. Window right beside me.
What if a burgler came through the window. Knife in his hand ready to kill me. What if a monster came out from under my bed? Claws sharpened. Teeth pointed ready to shread me into pieces. Even worse. Just what if the burgler killed mom and dad? When I wake up in the morning. Walk to their room and see blood stained bed sheets red.
Not realistic at all, right? But those were my fears. Fears of a broke child. Fears that woke her up in the middle of the night. Frightened. Crying and running to her parents' bedroom. Some nights being too afraid to sleep at all. All I needed were my mom. And my dad. And maybe, even just my older brother was enough.
When I was a little girl, I would dread going to sleep. I couldn't decide whether I should stay awake to fight the monsters or should I close my eyes and pretend that I'm dead so they won't hurt me.
Now. I'm just scared of what lies ahead of me. Will I succeed in life? Will I get a job that will satisfy my parents? Will I be able to get a well paying job?
Lectures about monsters turned into lectures about money. Because it's not about where my savings money would go after I die. It's about how will I live if I have no money to survive. The unseen isn't the problem. It's the seen that's the problem.
Are my SAT scores high enough? Do my parents have enough money to send both me and my brother to college? Am I studying hard enough. Sleepless nights. Studying for exam after exam. After exam.
Is this what it means to be successful?
Is this what it takes to climb up the ladder to the top of this social hierachy?
How many more SAT vocabulary words do I need to memorize to be considered "highly intellectual"?
And so what if my scores are less than his daughter's or her son's. So what if I can't become a doctor or engineer.
Apparently, I am a lesser smart human being than them? Which means I'm going to turn out less successful than them. Is that the equation? What happened to the 'x's and the 'y's? The probability that, hey, it really isn't all about the scores. Maybe the real monsters aren't under our beds after all. They are disguised as teachers, deans, colleges, aptitude test creators. Men in suits that will judge you the first second you walk in for an interview. Their scrutinizing stare. They could be your very classmates. Backstabbers. Liars. Cheaters.
When I was a little girl, I would dread going to sleep. I couldn't decide whether I should stay awake to fight the monsters or should I close my eyes and pretend that I'm dead so they won't hurt me.
And maybe. To be honest. I'd rather fear those monsters under my bed.
