Sinner Is The Saint

THE STEADY CHOICE

"What do you mean you want to delete your feelings?" asked Jessica, perplexed at Karan's demand. Early morning she was dragged out of bed with Karan calling in to say that he wanted to talk urgently. All her sleepy, disoriented self could manage with was a "Come to my apartment, Karan. I am working from home today."

She's always been an unpaid therapist to him; someone whom he trusts so much that he shares things that he shares with nobody else. And now here he was, sitting on her couch with a troubled expression and the first thing he ask her is how to delete feelings? Is he for real?

"Look, this wasn't in the plan. I suddenly seem to have these cheesy feelings for that Miss. Perfectly good Wayangankar - which I'm scared is that borderline treacherous emotion that starts with L. So tell me how to delete or convert feelings? Or can we, maybe, corrupt it?"

"Karan, for god's sake, feelings are not software that you can corrupt" sighed Jessica, why is dealing with this guy so difficult? "And even if you feel for Tejasswi, what's wrong in it? You said she's a good person unlike her grandfather. You said you'll make her fall in love with you which, knowing you I'm sure you can..."

He interrupted her "I don't want her to fall in love with me" he sighed "I know I said it but then I thought, like every other good people I met like Lia, Kritika and Madhura, Tejasswi would also move on and be happy once I manage to stop her wedding with my brother but I was wrong. She is different" he lightly slapped the couch in frustration "She is like my grandfather. If she truly loves someone,that guy would be her forever."

His eyes got lost in faraway memories "My Dadu loved that woman who is unfortunately my grandmother so deeply, that despite her betrayal, he never moved on in life. He married Kaushik's grandmother to give Kaushik's mother a better life but he never gave that woman the place of his life partner because he was that devoted to my biological grandmother. I have seen that devotion, in his eyes during his last moments on earth, the last name he took was hers despite not seeing her for years." A painful sigh escaped his lips as he recalled that incident "Tejasswi is like that, Jess. She is capable of that kind of devotion or maybe even more."

Jessica looked at his face, a soft smile forming on her face, knowing just how deeply Karan have started caring about this girl named Tejasswi.

"Karan, so what exactly is the problem? You feel for her, she feels for you. You just need to admit it to her, assure her let her know that she isn't just a plan to you" said Jessica, standing up and then settling down on the couch beside him. Very well aware, how the memories of his grandfather still shake his insides.

"I can't..." he shook his head "I can't let her love me or let myself love her. It's not right. My entire plan would go down the drain. Love makes you expect and expectations are the key to self-hurt."

"You love so many people, Karan. You love me, you love Apoorva, Om, Lia, Alez. They love you as well. I love you as well. What's the problem with adding Tejasswi to the list?" asked Jessica, putting her arm around Karan and softly pulling him to her chest while stroking his head.

She knew he doesn't cry; he never did but she still wanted to hold him close. After all, he is the little brother she never had. He also considered her his own sister because despite having three sisters, he never got to spend time with them, never got to experience love from them. She was life's way of compensating him for mercilessly taking away all those years of love and care.

"I can't, Jess. No offense to anyone, but after so much heartbreak I've finally learnt to stop expecting anyone to love me. It won't affect me if you, Lia or anyone suddenly stop loving me or leave me alone because I have no expectations but I know..." he held her hand with both his palm in a loose grip, his voice a little weak "when it comes to Tejasswi, I would expect her to love me back. I would expect her to choose me. I would expect her to always stay by my side and never leave. I would expect her to make me her priority. And if she doesn't do that, it wouldn't just break me. It would be my ultimate destruction. SHE - she would be Karan Kundrra's destruction!"