Red Owl Vs Blue Raven

Last Words

The Warthog has Sarge pinned and is slowly firing closer and closer to his head. Doc is still impotently sitting in the driver's seat.

Simmons: Okay, we gotta do something here guys.

Willow and Amity: What do you think what we're doing!?

Donut: You're right. I got dibs on Sarge's armor.

Cut to Blue Base with Tucker kneeling in front of Church. The beeping is still heard.

Gus: Okay, Church, you ready? I'm gonna yank the wire.

Luz: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Cut to the Warthog and Sarge.

Sarge: Grif, if you see Lopez, tell him I forgive him. Tell him.. he was like a son to me.

Grif: I thought Simmons was like a son to you?

Sarge: No offense, Simmons. Lopez and I just.. understood each other better.

Simmons: Understood? He refused to speak English!

Hunter: Plus he never even tried to fix his speech until!

Grif: Yeah, and he ran away the first chance he got.

Eda: And now he's trying to kill you with a remote control jeep.

Sarge: Ahhhh, what a little rascal.

Amity: Someone help us!

Cut to the Blues.

Gus: Alright, here goes nothin'. One... Two... Three! (pulls the wire, there's a small electrical sound, and the beeping stops)

Church: Oh god, yes! Finally! Some freakin' peace and quiet! I thought that was gonna drive me nuts! ...Hey. Why can't I move my legs?

Luz: I knew my feeling was right.

Church: Shut up Luz.

Luz in her evil voice: I will cut off your tongue. For you to shut up.

Cut to the Warthog which stops firing.

Warthog: (emits its series of beeps, shutting down) Signal lost.

Grif: Wow, that was a close one. Are you okay, Sarge?

Sarge: Ah, horse puckey, I'm fine. Although I do have to admit, maybe a little bit disappointed.

Simmons: It's okay, sir. I know that you said a lot of things that you didn't mean. People say crazy stuff when they're faced with their own mortality.

Sarge: It's not that. I just felt like I could have taken him.

Grif: Taken who? The machine gun?

Amity: (Sarcasm) Hey guys thanks for help.

Sarge: Oh he was a worthy opponent to be sure, but right at the end there he was beginning to show signs of weakness. Cracks in the armor, if you will.

Grif: What? You can't fight a machine gun.

Donut: Yeah, Sarge. I know you're tough and all, but it is kinda hard to beat up hundreds of armor piercing bullets using only your face.

Eda: No one is strong enough to stop a machine gun with their face.

Sarge: And yet, he surrendered.

Eda: Sarge be real.

Doc: Guys, guys, it's okay, I've seen this before. Sarge just lived through a very traumatic ordeal. We all have ways of coping with the stress.

Grif: Oh yeah? How do you deal with it?

Doc: Oh I have my own system that works pretty well for me. ...By the way, the driver seat of the jeep is gonna need a thorough cleaning.

Eda: I'm going to kill him. For peeing in are car.

Cut to the Blues.

Church: This is great, this is just great! Thanks a lot, Gus. Now what'm I supposed to do? My lower half is damaged.

Gus: Hey I warned you this would happen!

Caboose: Why don't you try walking it off?

Church: I can't use my legs, moron.

Caboose: Oh, I see. ...Have you tried running?

Tucker: This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly ever used your legs before anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.

Church: Hey, I already told you: that was for science.

Lillith: Or your a lazy asshole.

Caboose: Why don't you just try walking on your hands? Then you could use your feet for high fiiiiives, and ...eatin' sandwicheeeees... and, you know, the important stuff.

Luz: That sounds like fun.

Caboose: I know right!

Lillith: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.

Doc: Oh, right. Sorry. (accidentally drives the Warthog forward into Sarge again)

Sarge: Oh, hot buttered lug nuts!

Doc: Ooo, geez, I'm really sorry. I-I just was in the wrong gear, let me just... (accidentally rams Sarge again)

Sarge: Yoh, geez! There goes mah last kidney! I was saving that one for a special occasion.

Willow: Let me help. (Runs up to Sarge)

Doc: Third time's a charm?

Simmons: I don't think so, Poindexter. Outta the jeep now!

Doc: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!

Grif: Oh, is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a six thousand pound steel death machine. Now that we know that you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue.

Doc: ... ...Really?

Grif and Simmons: Get out!

Hunter: You guys want to give he back to the blues.

Eda: Let's do that.

Doc: Wait what about Willow.

Sarge: Oh no she staying.

Doc: Why?!

Sarge: Well she didn't try to kill me.

Cut to the Blues. Tucker is kneeling in front of Church, working on his wires.

Church: Well just start reattaching wires, I'll tell you when I feel something.

Tucker: What about that? Do you feel that, Church?

Church: No, what're you doing? I don't feel anything.

Gus: Well you guys are doing that I'm going back to work on my project. (Then proceed to go into the base.)

Caboose: Oh, Church? You know, I was thinkin'. ...Uh yih yih ya know, when you, when you eat ice cream too fast sometimes and it hurts your brain?

The Reds are seen from a distance approaching Blue Base.

Church: Hey, Caboose? Yeah. Shut up.

Caboose: (seeing the Reds) Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-

Church: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!

Simmons: Hey, Blues, we're here to- (sees Tucker kneeling in front of Church) What the hell are you guys doing!?

Lillith: I am going back into the base. I'm not going to be apart of this.