Red Owl Vs Blue Raven

Motion to Adjourn

Firefight outside the Blue Base.

Lillith: Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose and Luz shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

Tucker: I didn't even know what half of that meant.

Church: Just go over to Caboose's and Luz's rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don't think so.

Lillith: We do not have time to discuss this.

Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You and Church get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.

Church: Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire.

Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

Church: No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

Lillith: Tucker just do it.

Zoom to Grif, Hunter, and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the Blues.

Grif: Simmmonns... I-I can'tt ffeeel my handdds.

Simmons: Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.

Hunter: Damn this fun!

Zoom back to Church.

Church: Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!

DuFresne: My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne.

Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.

DuFresne: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.

Tucker: What's the difference?

DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable.. while they die.

Tucker: Mental note: don't ever get shot. How about you Willow?

Willow: Well I'm a nurse. So I can help that isn't just comfortable someone while they die.

Tucker: Ok good to know.

Church: It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.

DuFresne: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick.

Background goes grayscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with dramatic music playing.

Tucker: Oh, trust us, it'll stick.

Willow: Plus it's a nice nickname.

Church: Now get over to Caboose, and Luz help them hold that position.

Doc: I don't have a gun, I'm a pacifist.

Church: Well then just get over there and yell "bang bang bang".

Doc: Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.

Tucker: Oh, come on.

Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.

Church: Huh. I see.

Church turns toward Caboose and very deliberately raises his gun, then fires one shot.

Luz: My foot!

Church: Shit I was aiming for Caboose. Well, looks like Luz has hurt herself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.

Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely.

Lillith: You know she going to kill you. Right?

Church: I'm just realizing that now.

Zoom to the Reds.

Simmons: Ah crap, I'm out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.

Hunter: Same here.

Grif: Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one bullet.

Simmons: Wha- How can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.

Grif: Wait, since when?

Simmons: Since the last staff meeting.

Grif: We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.

Hunter: Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.

Grif: What's your two job?

Simmons: Me? I'm the Social Chairman.

Hunter: I'm in charge of are protocols.

Sarge: Grif. Me and Eda are empty. We need some clips.

Simmons: Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.

Zoom to Doc, Luz and Caboose.

Doc: I'm here Caboose, where're you hit?

Luz: Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!

Doc: The left foot?

Caboose: Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and...

Doc: I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.

Luz: You think!

Caboose: Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I can't believe Church try to shot me.

Church: Oh don't even start, Caboose! (echoing)

Doc: Anything else?

Caboose: Uh, well wha?

Doc: You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?

Luz in her evil voice: You not helping fix my foot.

Caboose: Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really really mad for some reason.

Doc: ...Okay I'm just gonna start with the foot.

Caboose: Okay.

Zoom to Tucker and Church.

Tucker: Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?

Lillith: I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo.

Sarge: Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!

Church: Surrender?