Balls [5sos ot4]

veggie balls

Luke's pov:

I'm fucked. Not literally, thank god. But I was. And that's why we have this mess.

That's why I'm fucked. Because I was fucked.

This is so stupid. I don't care for sex. Why does anyone? It might feel good but I can assure you that performing on stage in front of thousands of people, singing back the lyrics you've written with your favorite people and your idols, feels a thousand times better. It feels like sex. Without all the penetration and the awkwardness. Or the bodily fluids.

Although, we all sweat a whole lot. Ashton even more so.

Fuck. Ashton.

He's going to be pissed. I know it. He wouldn't care if it was anyone but it's someone.

Jack is definitely a someone.

-

Today is going okay, except for the fact that Ash keeps looking like he wants to say something. He also looks like a lost puppy but who can blame him? We're all keeping this from him. I'm keeping this from him. Fuck.

No. No. I'm telling him. I can't do this. If he hates me afterwards, okay. I deserve it. I fucked up. I got fucked. I deserve getting kicked out of the band, the relationship. I deserve whatever he has to throw at me. I fucked up. I deserve whatever comes after.

"Ash? Can I--can I talk to you?"

He looks up from where he's sprawled out on the couch, legs entangled with Mikey's. Nodding, he sits up. Mikey doesn't even groan when his legs get kicked at, he just looks at me. He stares, just like Calum.

"Okay," he whispers, sensing my nervousness. I guess he's connected the dots and figured out I'm going to share the secret we've been keeping. He seems eager to listen, but also cautious in a way. I wait until he walks towards me and stops, right in front.

Clearing my throat, I look down. "I need to tell you, uh. I need to tell you about that--that night."

I can feel him staring at me. It's his turn to clear his throat. "Yeah? What about it, Lukey?"

"I lied, Ash. I'm sorry," I whisper. I can feel all three pairs of eyes on me. They all burn. I hate it. "It wasn't just anyone. It was--it was him."

I hold my breath. He lets out his. "Who, exactly, is him? And why, exactly," he pauses to look at me harder, "are you bringing it up now?"

I answer, fidgeting, "I wanted to tell you before you found out from someone else 'cause pictures got out and you can tell it's me and him. Him as in--" I cut myself off, breathing deeply, "Him as in, ya know, Jack."

The room falls silent. Until someone else speaks up.

"Be more specific, Luke. We know a lot of Jack's," Mikey says, making himself known. I glare up at him but he only turns back to Ash with a small smirk (Jerk). He's just watching him. Cal is, too. They're all just staring at him.

At least it's not me.

"I know which Jack, Mike. I'm not dense." His tone is hard. I can't do this.

I interrupt what else he was going to say, "I'm sorry, Ash. I'm sorry. I just--I was drunk. I know it's no excuse but I was and I, like, I didn't know any better. But I won't do it again. It was so stupid. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it with anyone, especially him since he's already got Alex but I didn't--"

"Shut up, Luke," Ash says, placing both hands on my shoulders. "I know you were drunk. We all know. I know you hate sex. I know you regret it. I know that all. It doesn't matter who you had it with. I don't care it wasn't any of us. I don't care. You were drunk and you did something stupid. You have to understand, babe." He squeezes my shoulders. "You have to understand we all screw up. And that's okay."

I peek up at him. "You don't hate me?"

He looks startled by that question for some reason. I don't know why. I would hate me.

"What the fuck?" he nearly shouts. I nearly jump. His eyes grows soft at that and he pulls me a bit closer. "No, Lukey. I don't hate you. I'll never be able to hate you. Yeah, you kinda cheated but you didn't like it. As long as you're not gonna leave us and you regret it, it's okay. It's all just okay."

We just stand there for awhile. Me fidgeting with Ash's warm hands still on my shoulders. Mikey and Cal are behind Ash, probably still watching us. I don't know, though. I'm just looking at Ash. Just looking at him. He's not leaving. I'm not leaving.

Soon enough, he pulls me into a hug and it's great. It's all just great. Not okay. It's great.

He's so warm and hard but soft and I love it. I love him. I love Mikey and Cal, too. I love them all and I don't want to lose them. I can't lose them. If I lose them, I know...I know I'll lose myself, too. I can't. I can't let that happen.

More arms wrap around me and everything gets warmer. Mikey nuzzles his head into my neck and I can only guess Cal is doing the same with Ash. It smells nice. Calum with their fruity perfume and Mikey with his whatever and Ash--Ash with his manly scent and slight sweat that should be gross but isn't, because it's actually quite pleasant in a somewhat weird way. It's all just great.

Somehow we move away from where we were all standing, crowding around each other. We end up on top of one another, squished on the couch. And I don't know who moved first or if we even moved at all but it doesn't matter.

Because Ash is under me, trying to hide the fact he can barely breathe. Calum is squished between Ash and the cushions, squirming around to find a more comfortable position (even though they're never going to find one). And Mikey is spread out on top of us all, groaning when Calum decides reviving their tingling arm is more important than his comfort.

"Stop, Cal. I will fucking cut you if you move one more fucking time, you little fuck," Mikey grumbles from above me when Cal decides the same again.

"Shut up, Michael. At least you're not the one being crushed by your fucking veggie balls."

Time seems to pause at that because honestly what the fuck does that even mean? But Michael seems to get it because he cracks up abruptly, making me shake with him. Ash joins in and so does Calum, and we're all shaking with laughter before I even join in.

Mikey gasps for air, sitting up some and digging his hands into my back in the process. "I told you not to move and to never bring that up, dude. Now I definitely have to cut you."

Pushing himself up fully and grabbing Cal with him, Mikey topples over us onto the floor. Cal shrieks, flailing their arms around and trying to grab onto something before Michael can start his attack. But it's too late. The tickling has begun.

And so has the ear piercing shrieking.

And maybe I should be worried that Ash is taking it so well considering what happened before, but I can't. I'm surrounded by my favorite people and I can't complain, even if Cal's elbow really fucking hurts and they need to gain some weight so it's not so boney. And maybe Mikey might need to lose weight so he doesn't crush me like that again, and maybe I need to do the same so Ashton can maybe breathe more easily. But.

But Ash is lying under me, looking up at me with those damn pretty eyes. And I feel warm. I feel soft. I feel loved and not as fucked as before.

And it feels nice.

A/N:

Dun dun dunnnnn

Truth be told, I have no clue. Don't ask, it sucks. I know. Oh and thanks so much for 5k reads and 400 some votes. Amazing you guys like this shit *group hug*

-c dizzle is outttttt (not really I'm actually one of the closeted three muskequeers cuz my padres are homophobic af and I can't even celebrate the newfound marriage equality but it's alright because I can admire non-cis guys from afar right? ahahahaguiff yay)