IMMORTALS • Levi Ackerman

chapter fifty

050: selfish, selfless

"I refuse!" 

My objection made the two men look to me, wide eyed. I hadn't spoken the whole time in their conversation. It made me want to vomit. 

"It's my personal vow, I don't want you to lead and die, Commander." This is getting personal, which isn't something to be brought forth in the field. My feelings were overtaking my logic. This wasn't my usual demeanor in work.

But this is beyond work now.

"Y/n..." Erwin stands as if he's trying to console me. Like I was a kid.

I am not a child.

I've heard enough from him. His conversation earlier with Levi almost drove me insane. How... how could we come to this, did all roads lead here? Could we have made it if we had planned it differently? 

How could Erwin talk about dying so easily in front of me? 

Give up on your dream and die. 

"Erwin, you are a selfish man." I spoke. He stops in his tracks, shocked, apparent on his face. His brows furrow, his lips pressed into a grim line. He looked like he was trying to analyze me. Trying to make up a strategy to overcome my current rage. It made me fume even more. Levi stills. I knew he was surprised too, I had always spouted words like that to him but never to the Commander, never to Erwin. 

My lungs felt like they're on fire, the boulders keep on coming, we're running out of time. "You are a selfish man. I knew that the first day I knew you. I knew that when you took me in, because you wanted me to your soldier, because you believed you could use me for your dreams."

Isn't that right, Erwin? 

Because you claimed to have seen my potentials, and my potential was a tool for you. A step closer to your visions. 

"But I trusted you. I believed in you. Because your selfishness brought us here, your selfishness was a courage for the Corps! We needed a selfish Commander like you if we wanted to progress."

Oh, I was trying hard to suppress it. My eyes turned glazy, the memories of a foggy yesterday are lining up. How long has it been since I served? Since that faithful day at the markets where I was hunted by those eyes blue eyes. I wanted to revisit that memory right now.

Erwin is selfish. I knew that, from the moment he had offered the bargain of death to me, disguised as salvation, by the joining the Corps. Still, I took his hand with a snide smile and agreed, because I wanted the exhilaration, because I, too, believe that I was meant for something greater than stealing off of criminals and the rich. I knew that, but he was the driving force of the Corps. He brought the change we needed. He wasn't afraid to take risks the others couldn't. 

I owed him the thrill I sought, I owed him the life I have right now. 

"You are selfish man." My throat ached, like thorns were planted on them and I was desperately trying to swallow my own saliva to calm them down, to soothe the pain. "But you'll be more selfish if you choose to die on me here!" 

To Levi, I probably sounded like a brat. He's probably rolling his eyes over me. 

I looked over to him.

My heart hurt. Levi's gaze was torn, his eyes examining my figure as if he had wanted to approach me. He looked devastated.

I wanted to cry now. 

"You brought me to the corps! You took responsibility for me! You're going to leave me hanging now, you selfish bastard?!" 

You'll die, just like my father. I'll lose again.