Aaron Flex

Overdose

Overdosing isn't fun, at least from what I've heard. I've never managed to overdose in my years of using, at least not till now. It's not that bad, to be fair I'm not conscious to experience my body convulsing and choking on my own vomit. I'm just comfortable, suspended in a state of not being, not experiencing. Nothing in, nothing out. Pure content, nothing to make my mind wander. It's quite nice even though I know what hell is happening outside of this delirium.
I can only imagine what I'm putting Trip and James through, watching me die in their arms, to heroine no less. Frantically trying to save my life, most likely to no avail. I love them both and I know they love me but I think this is what I need. I need to die, to put everything I've ever done to harm people in my life to rest. I can't exist without causing pain and heartbreak. My life was never a blessing to anyone I've ever met. I've been cast out of more lives than I can remember. No one wants a lowlife, bum, addict in their lives that will destroy every shred of hope and love that have in them. I was never meant to become something, I was destined to leave a path of fire in my wake. Tear down walls and slither my way into their hearts and crush them. I just needed to realize that...to become that.

5 weeks later...

I can smell the alcohol wipes, the stench of clean. Those white tile hallways and the footsteps of overpriced shoes clacking with each step. My least favorite place in the world, the hospital. I can't count how many times I've been in this wretched place, but then again most of it was my doing. Not what you want after trying to kill yourself. I can't see anything and I can't move my body. I can hear people talking in the background but I can't make out anything. Whatever is going on its fucking terrible, barely being able to hear things and that constant smell is driving me nuts. I tune out everything and everything fades to black.
I come too again and it feels like a new day, I can hear different people and smell different things. Still can't move my body or see but at least I can kind of tell time. I try to move my hands but everything feels like it's being weighed down my concrete. I can hear one of the people shout and yell for other people to come. I don't know what's happening and I start to freak out. Why can't I see whats going on? Suddenly I feel something tough my hand, it's so warm and comforting. I try desperately to open my eyes, fighting the weight attached to them. They're so heavy and I'm getting tired trying to fight it when I hear, plain as day, Trip's voice come through the dark.

Trip- "Please, Aaron...fight for me..."

Fight for me? How can he sit there and ask me to fight when he knows I'm not good for him? I can't imagine what's going on in Trip's head. I've put him through so much without even considering how fucked up it all is. I can't fight this, it needs to happen. I'm meant to die, its what's best for everyone.
I can smell Trip's cologne, he's worn the same one since I met him. Fuck does it smell good. How many countless nights have I smelled that cologne as I cried into his chest? Too many.

Its bright, way too bright. I've been in darkness for so long I forgot something could be that bright. Voices fade in and out as I try to focus my eyes. I can hear my heart monitor beeping, doctors tending to their patients. Boom. I can see. I see a bright white tiled ceiling. I look to my left and there he is, Trip, fast asleep in an uncomfortable chair. He looks so peaceful, I wonder how little sleep he's gotten. I try to sit up but I'm too weak. I grab the remote for my bed and slowly lift the bed up.

Doctor- "Holy shit.. HOLY SHIT, I need doctors on me. Room 26 is awake!"

The doctor rushes to my bed and starts checking my vitals. Three more doctors come in and ask me all sorts of questions, too many. I can't think or concentrate on a single one. During the commotion Trip wakes up. He jumps to his feet but all he can do is stand there and watch as the doctors swarm me. Finally I get a break and Trip runs up to me and wraps me in a big hug. I crumble in his arms. I can't believe I wanted to leave this, this warmth, this love. Don't get me wrong I still believe I should die, but how could I leave him.