Red Owl Vs Blue Raven

A Shadow of His Former Self

Tucker: Yeah, that's definitely him.

Gus: Man even in the after life his a asshole.

Church: Up yours Gus. Now I gotta start over again. (clears throat, resumes ghostly voice) Tucker... Tucker...! I've come back with a warning!

Tucker: Is it really necessary to do the voice?

Caboose: Yeah, it's kinda annoying.

Church: (normal voice) Fine. Okay, here's the deal: I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-

Caboose: (interrupting) What's the warning?

Church: Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!

Caboose: Oh, sorry.

Church: Seriously, man. I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like, just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration.

Caboose: Sorry.

Church: I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with but now I come back and I can't get a word in edgewise, man. (takes a deep breath) Okay, here's the deal-

Caboose: (interrupting) Is this the warning?

Luz: Caboose you really need to get better at listening.

Church: Alright, that's it. I swear to god, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.

Tucker: Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.

Church: Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you that I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?

Tucker: No.

Caboose: Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?

Church: Yes.

Caboose: Cool! What was that like?

Church: Um.. it was cold.

Luz: That's it? Just cold?

Church: What do you want from me? A poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really.. fuckin'.. cold.

Tucker: Will you just let him talk?

Gus: Church get on to it.

Church: Alright, well...

Fade to Sidewinder.

Church: One day, when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember.. I was out on patrol with my partner, Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.

Tucker: D'ya think I was a good kid, Church?

Church: Tucker, don't get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, the guys were hanging around, waiting for some action, bitching about the cold...

Sidewinder Blue #1: Man, it's fucking cold.

Sidewinder Blue #2: I hope we get some action.

Church: Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.

Jimmy: (in a highland southern accent) Yep, as soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

Church: And that's when Tex showed up.

A soldier in active camouflage [invisibility] moves in front of Jimmy and Church.

Church: Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of sudden he started screaming bloody murder...

Private Mickey: (spinning around and shooting) Bloody murder! Bloody murder!

A Blue firing an Assault Rifle is hit from behind by a camouflaged Tex.

Church: The whole thing was over before it even started.

Tex kills another Blue. Switch to Jimmy and Church firing their guns.

Church: Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it.

Cut to Tucker at Blood Gulch.

Tucker: Wait a second.. how do you beat someone to death with their own skull?

Luz: That doesn't seem physically possible.

Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

Cut to Tex hitting Jimmy with his skull.

Jimmy: This doesn't seem physically possible! (he collapses) Hurk! Bleh...

Cut to Blood Gulch.

Church: Bottom line is, these Freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst.

Caboose: If he's such a bad-ass, why didn't he kill you?

Cut to Church standing alone in Sidewinder with blood all over the ground. The camera zooms out, revealing all the Sidewinder Blues are dead.

Church: To tell ya, I don't know why I'm not dead. Coulda killed me at any point. ...But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before.

Tucker: Where?

Church: You, uh.. you remember that girl I told you about, back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. Guys, I'm fading fast, and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.

Tucker: Okay.

Church: I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it...

Church fades away.

Tucker: So..! Tex and Church were after the same girl.

Caboose: I told you his girlfriend was a slut.

Luz: Caboose!

Lilith getting last bit of what Church said. Came up on top of the base.

Lilith: Did he say freelancer Tex coming here.

Luz: Yeah why?

Lilith: Out of all freelancer of course Tex is the one that's coming here!

Tucker: Wait you know them.

Lilith: Church isn't the only one with a past to Tex. (Sees Tex) I just thought I never see them again.

The camera pans, revealing Tex standing behind Tucker, Luz, Gus and Caboose.