Purposefully Accidental

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Cole sighs exasperatedly at me. "Can you just answer the question?"

"I mean, I don't know what you mean by that. Do I have to hate one to like the other? Why is this a competition? And why do you care so much about who I like?" I question him back in a joking tone, and he smiles a little.

"Yeah. I guess that's a stupid question."

"No. Not stupid. Just a little bit confusing." Then, as sincerely as I can, I tell him, "I like them both. Just in different ways. I'm allowed to, right?"

"Yeah."

"Where's this coming from, hm?"

My little brother shrugs again, before turning around and sitting down on the kitchen stool. "I think I have a crush."

... Ooookay. He doesn't sound like he's happy about the discovery. It sounds like it's stressing him out. And, honestly, I'm getting a bit of whiplash from how this conversation is going. Carefully, I sit down next to him. "I see."

"I really like them. But we've been friends for a long time. They're my best friend."

"Alright. So, you want to ask them out? Is that what you're thinking?"

Another lazy shrug. "Maybe. But I'm scared. What if we start dating, but then something goes wrong and we break up, and I don't have my best friend anymore? I don't want to lose my friend. I'd have no one else in school."

He looks like he's still not done talking, so I keep quiet, while making sure he knows that he has my full attention.

"I've been really thinking hard about it. And then I thought about you, too. You really liked Jonah, and so I liked him too. And then you stopped liking him, and I never saw him anymore. Now you have Freddie, but what if one day you stopped liking him too? Would I have to hate Freddie too, then?" He looks frustrated by his own thoughts. "I dunno. I've just been thinking... I guess what I mean to say is... I just don't see the point of having feelings for someone when it's inevitably gonna go wrong and then I end up hating them. Like when you broke up with Jonah. Even when you said you didn't hate him."

"Oh, Cole." I wrap my arms around him and squeeze him tightly, pressing kisses on the side of his head. He doesn't even try to pull away. "Okay. First of all, you don't have to like everyone that I like, or hate everyone that I hate. Alright? Don't base your personal feelings for people on mine. You're allowed to still like people that you think I hate. I won't mind."

"Um, okay."

"The world isn't so black and white," I tell him. "And I think you're stressing too much about all of these what-ifs. I know I do that too, sometimes. I do that a lot, actually, so I understand. I've been really trying to be better. But the thing is—the thing I'm still learning myself—you never know what will happen, until it happens."

I let him go from my tight hug. He's looking at me now, listening attentively.

I shrug. "Relationships begin and end all the time. I know you've seen it happen, and I get why you're scared that you're going to lose a friend. But that's the thing, isn't it? You haven't even told them that you like them. Why are you already so convinced that you're gonna date them and then break up with them? Who's to say they won't even reject you right away?" I tease him, making him laugh a little. "Sorry, that's probably only making it worse."

"I get what you mean, though," he chuckles. "But I can't really stop myself from thinking this way."

"I understand. Happens to me too. You know, I'm not even the best person to be giving you advice about this, because I'm probably doing even worse than you." Understatement of the fucking century. I think of my big little secret I'm still keeping from Jonah, and my stomach churns in protest. I pat Cole's knee gently, my throat feeling like sandpaper as the words come out, "But if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that I'm always going to feel scared. Of taking all these little leaps. And it's okay to feel scared, but I can't let it stop me from having good things happen to me."